Bought at a budget supermarket

Coronation cock rings selling like hot cakes

The desire to demonstrate royalist patriotism better than you through the medium of consumerism is already reaching fever pitch. Sales of coronation merchandise have been described as rampant, with Coronation Cockrings outselling Nicholas Witchell pin cushions by 400%.

Also flying off tatshop shelves are novelty cufflinks that constantly fiddle with themselves, plants which talk back, and his and her's monstrous carbuncles. The Randy Andy range of dry goods, however, has been a complete flop, particularly the 'Homeless Andrew' waterproof, padded sleeping bag.

Popular among the satirical writing market are classy fountain pens which leak like a right royal bastard, and include a voice activation in Received Pronunciation announcing, 'This pissing pen is leaking blue-blood', and 'You deal with this, dear, such annoyances are beneath my status'. The pens also come with a full fountain setting.

For royalist foodies, it's a tight snacking and grazing call between Coronation Cauliflower and Carrot Crunch Candy and the Stoned of Scone Marijuana Cream Tea Hampers. But if one is a royalist too poor to afford food, one can make one's presence heard during the anointing ceremony with a cheap plastic honking vuvuzela.

Astounding many in the motor industry are runaway orders for Mini Coopers in regal purple with Charles III supersized wing mirrors and a crown on the roof. Made in Germany, just like the British Royal Family. But Lady Di Dildos offered by an organisation called the Daily Sexpress have been slammed as 'pushing it a bit'.

Written jointly by Myke & SteveB, and a hat tip to Lockjaw

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China to float giant spy-cake over US

Having used balloons to infiltrate US air space, China have threatened to employ further party paraphernalia, which includes firing spy drones out a gender reveal cannon. Beijing confirmed: 'We've trained hundreds of clowns to infiltrate the White House. They should blend in perfectly with the usual collection of clowns that work there.

‘Americans rarely question the providence of a spy cameras, provided they have frosting and sprinkles on them. We’re working on audio bugs shaped like mini-pizzas and spy-pens concealed in hot dogs. All of our surveillance equipment will be covered in glitter and any future spy balloons will be shaped like animals.’

One startled American said: 'I was a bit surprised to see a Chinese spy plane flying overhead, but I felt so relieved when I saw it trailing a banner saying ‘Happy 50th, Suzy’.’

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image from pixabay