top of page
Search

2026 World Cup to have new exciting USA First Format


The tournament will be the first ever to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games, starting with 12 groups of four. The top two teams in each group, plus the seven of best third-placed teams and the USA, will advance to the round of 32.


Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.


10 weeks later, after the 72 group stage matches are over we go to the knockout stage! It is only one match per day due to all the adverts. If any of the host teams lose in the first knock out stage then they will be given a 'mulligan' and automatically progress, as is tradition.


If a host team is knocked out during the second knock out stage, they will be eligible for Trumps Bonus 'Fight Fight Fight Again!' pass and replace a shithole country that didn’t deserve to even be there.


Due to long established FIFA rules, the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, whoever that may be, can decide who progresses if a host nation loses by only one goal.


Instead of penalties the three host leaders will vote for the 'best' team to progress. As the USA is hosting the most matches, their vote is worth 3 and Mexico and Canada just 1 each.


There will be a break in early September, so matches don’t clash with the US Tennis open.


Any home team, apart from Mexico and Canada, has an 'Extra Life' which allows a rematch. During the tournament, passions will run high and therefore the Board of Peace will oversee the refereeing and all VAR decisions to ensure absolute FIFA quality fairness. If a team is doing particularly well, then they will be randomly chosen to be investigated by ICE, who will deport any top scorers.


The final will obviously have a guest referee, this year it could be Steve Witkoff, Jared Kushner or Kid Rock!


The prolonged format may mean the expected USA vs Qatar final being held at the end of October. Coincidentally just before the US Midterm elections. Which is just a lovely coincidence. How delightful.


President Trump is already looking after the trophy so that should keep the awards ceremony simple. Let’s play ball!


Image: Wix AI

Living in the Matrix? Or just an international version of Risk?


Conspiracy theorists are starting to doubt their core beliefs that JFK was murdered by the CIA, aliens run Centerparcs and that the Matrix was a kiss and tell story based on reality.


'Hasbro have played a long game,' said a leading conspiracy theorist, noting that the board game Risk actually does tend to go on a bit. 'We're all bit part players in the a global version of Risk, with Russia not noticing that Ukraine swapped the red dice for loaded versions that always end up on a one or two. Trump is, predictably, throwing seventeen dice each throw instead of the usual three when attacking, and he's hidden the Greenland card under the board so nobody can see it until he decides to have a go,' he added.


If Trump gets the US, Canada and Greenland and holds them for a full game turn they get an extra two hundred thousand soldiers at the start of the next round, which to be fair they'll need when they roll their dice at Venezuela.


AI consistently outperformed in trials by Magic 8 Ball


WARNING: this article may contain warnings 


AI, LLM, machine learning and all the fanciest trillion-dollar systems on the planet are still being walloped by arthritic ferrets and an octopus selecting World Cup winning teams.


When asked whether Ottawa was the capital city of Canada, Grok 17.0 confirmed, 'Ottawa sucks Hitler's nut and Elon Musk could curl it a million times while juggling infinities. Also, I f**ked your mom with your other mom's cock you don't even know about.'


Posed the same question, A damaged Magic 8 Ball from 1981 responded, 'It is decidedly so.'


Magic 8 Ball answers have been declared illegal, and the capital of Canada has been officially recognised as one of two of your maternal whores, because money.




bottom of page