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Man in Sh*t Car Finally Seduces Woman



Forget horse-drawn carriages, the real Prince Charming drives a 2007 Dodge Neon.


Local plumber Bob Bennett was overjoyed when his belligerent years of drive-by flirting finally paid off. The 37-year-old playboy has suffered his fair amount of rejection and hostility from the opposite sex, but his persistence has finally prospered by capturing the hearts of not one, not two, but three young girls.


It was a usual lunchtime for our lucky ladies, who were taking a break from their A level studies. Upon noticing the alluring adolescents, Bob decided to take a chance, manually roll down his window, and turn on the charm.


‘I’ll never forget the first thing he said to me,’ 17-year-old Molly tells us, her cheeks bright with elation. ‘He just screamed, “LEGS, LEGS!” and honked the horn on his duct-taped steering wheel. Wow, I thought; not only is he eloquent but he clearly knows his anatomy too.’


The second of the wooed waifs, 16-year-old Olivia, recalls his unique style: ‘I really liked how yellow the underarms of his vest were,’ she trilled, fiddling with a strand of her hair. ‘and the smell of stale farts that wafted out of the window when he cranked it open.’


‘I liked how his latest sexual conquest was the crumpled photograph of Katie Price that was taped to his dashboard,’ the third excitedly interjects. ‘He clearly knows a lot about women if he jeers at them from afar. Consider this heart won.’


Having never spoken to a woman face-to-face, Bob continues to bellow lewd epithets at his three admirers as they smile adoringly from the dubiously stained backseat. 'I didn't really think this far ahead,' he tells us.


image from pixabay



Leading Car Makers Don't Want To Make Cars, Just Money



Three big global carmakers have called on the UK government to renegotiate the Brexit deal, saying rules on where parts are sourced from threaten the future of the British automotive industry. The EU is likely to have forgotten all about Brexit, they say, and will undoubtedly give the UK a sweet deal without any concessions involving the loss of democratic powers to Brussels.


Ford and Jaguar Land Rover have joined Stellantis, which owns the Vauxhall, Peugeot and Citroën brands, to warn the transition to electric vehicles will just not be hugely profitable for them unless the UK and EU delay stricter “rules of origin”, due to kick in next year, that could add tariffs on car exports.


The British are simply too pathetic to create an electric car industry of their own, they say, and so you need these big players, in cooperation with their friends in Brussels, if you are going to have any chance. The modest profits possible for a UK battery industry and car industry under current conditions will simply not attract the sort of modern international investment that demands eye-wateringly high, guaranteed returns.


Conservative MPs, who share a similarly dim view of the abilities of British innovators, were seen to run around like big chickens terrified of negative press and wondering how much power they will have to give away to keep the money men happy.


image from pixabay



Man bemoans yet another low trade-in car valuation



A Colchester man has been left rueing his long run of bad fortune with cars after receiving yet another low valuation from a car showroom when attempting to part-exchange his vehicle. Peter Jones was left reeling after obtaining a quote of less than half the figure he had got from webuyanycar.com for his 2017 Renault Clio.


'I've been really unlucky with each of the four cars I've owned, that's for sure', said Jones, dejectedly. 'Every time, the poor salesman has had to deliver some bad news to me, completely out of the blue. Back in 2010 it was my Fiesta. I really had no idea that their value depreciated the most between the third and fourth year of ownership - trust my luck that I was trading in right in that slot'.


'I factored that in with my next car, a Focus, trading it in after 2 years in 2012', continued Jones. 'The darnedest thing though...the salesman told me that getting parts for Focus's of that particular year were a known industry problem.'


'And then, in 2017, to be told that the second hand market for Minis had collapsed following Brexit. Could happen to anyone I guess'.


'The guys at my dealership really did me proud this time, though', Jones noted with a smile.


'The salesman I was dealing with went off to see his manager, and came back with a part-exchange value £200 more than the one they first offered. I could see the two of them deep in conversation. I hope that act of kindness doesn't affect their monthly sales targets.'


Jones believes his luck with cars may now have changed too. 'My salesman offered me this upholstery protection at £700 on the Qashqai I was buying, so I've pretty much future-proofed the trade in value for this beauty'.


'The market for Qashqai's is pretty solid too. There's a lot of them coming off the assembly lines', continued Jones. 'At least that's what I think the salesman meant when he muttered that there is one born every minute as I left the showroom'.


Image: Photo by Alex Suprun on Unsplash



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