£10 notes 'cheapest source of fuel'

A comparative study of energy sources by the Federation Researching Economic Zero-net Energy (FREEZE) has found that the cheapest source of fuel for most homes is £10 notes.

'It was not that much of a surprise,' explained Professor Ron Jenkins of Clacton University. 'I suspected it might be the case when my car's insurance went up two bands after filling it with petrol. All the same, the cost per kilowatt from the new government approved money burning stove represent quite a saving.'

Jacob Rees-Mogg, fresh from his triumph of Britain being able to buy non-existent vacuum cleaners, echoed Professor Jenkins.

'I recommend that poor people stockpile a few thousand £10 notes to keep them warm in the winter; I have.'

Two pound coin dropped down the side of your driver's seat continues to goad you

The two pound coin you dropped down the side of your car seat last week is mocking you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

It made its move at McDonald's drive-thru window on Thursday as you were counting out the cash for your order.

You’d already handed the spotty youth three pounds-ninety and were passing the coin to him when it fell from your hand and disappeared down that really narrow crack between the edge of your seat and the dividing bulkhead separating yours from the passenger seat.

Despite pissing off everybody in the queue for a full three minutes as you tried to retrieve it, you were forced to admit defeat and reluctantly pay by card instead. So far attempts to locate it, let alone get at it, have failed miserably and all you have to show for your efforts are scuffed knuckles, despite trying for two hours yesterday morning.

Service Technician Dave Clifford explains. ‘Modern cars are designed so that if you do drop anything between the seats, it simply cannot be retrieved without having special tools to dismantle the whole front half of your cockpit. More often than not that’s going to be a total rebuild, sometimes costing thousands.

‘Fact is, you may try, but you’ll fail miserably. It’s simply impossible,’ he laughs.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mikes-photography-1860391/