Bond comes out of retirement to warn Rachel Reeves

A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.

‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.

‘Your polishies are a dishaster.  You’ve borrowed too much.  You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back.  My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.

‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.

People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell.  Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.

And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?

Image credit: perchance.org

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that potentially could discharge a particle detectable by a Geiger counter that would be set up to break the flask, killing the cat.  As the release of the particle was random and undetectable outside the box it would be impossible to know if the cat was alive or dead unless you opened the box, with the suggestion that until that point in time the cat was both alive and dead. However...

Surrey scientist Bill Redmonds and his drinking buddy, history lecturer Alan Fountain, who holds regular history debriefs in the local Wetherspoons have debunked the story.

'First of all,' said Bill today, 'have you ever tried to get a cat into a f@cking box?  Just a box, never mind one rammed with fragile flasks of poison and a 1930s Geiger counter, which would be about the size of 32 inch TV back then.  The flask would be shattered in the first two seconds killing the cat and Schrodinger.  In fact, scratch that, the cat would be out of the room before anyone realised the flask was broken,' he added.  'Even if you got the cat in the box, with or without the flask, Geiger counter etc, etc, you would be in no doubt if the cat was alive or not.  The bloody box would be bouncing around the room, unless the cat was dead.  Thought experiment, my arse,' he said.

'But,' said Alan, holding up a handful of letters, 'his neighbours had cats, either side, and he was forever sending letters complaining that their cats were sh!tting on his lawn.  Then he proposes his "thought experiment" and the letters stopped.  I bet he didn't have to worry about cat sh!t either from that point on and I for one would think twice about getting a replacement cat.

Scientists have refined the theory in the light of this revelation.  Imagine you have a lawn and your neighbour has a bloody feral cat.  If there is sh!t on the lawn is the cat alive or dead?  If I've got anything to do with it...

image from pixabay

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Busy manx cat worked his tail off

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