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British adverts contain too many cats,' claims the Daily Mail today.  'Despite cats only living in fewer than 30% of British households, they appear in over 90% of adverts.  While we would expect them to appear in cat food adverts, they appear in practically every advert selling everything from furniture to carpets to sanitary products.  About the only product cats don't seem to appear in is adverts for household insurance.  Dogs seem to have the upper paw there,' the article ranted.


'Even dog food adverts have bloody cats in,' screamed Conservative MP Robert Jenrick, pointing to his recent stay in Birmingham where the Midlands ITV channel on his Premier Inn hotel TV apparently showed adverts that only included cats.  The claim is disputed, Birmingham residents claim cats are a minority on their adverts, albeit a sizeable one.


'Cats are always shown as nice, fluffy and benign,' continued the article, 'never hissing, and crapping in your garden.  Everyone I know has cat crap in their garden,' it says.  The Daily Mail is starting a new campaign 'stop the cats'.


A Reform spokesman said the campaign doesn't go far enough.  'Cats aren't indigenous to the UK. When Reform are elected our first priority will be to deport all the cats, immediately,' he said.  Labour condemned the Daily Mail campaign and branded the Reform policy 'typical dog whistle politics'.

Researchers across two continents have discovered that ginger cats have the regressive 'moody f$cker' gene. DNA samples reveal 9 out of 10 ginger cats will bite your finger while trying to get a DNA sample.


Gingers are missing a section of their genetic code which makes them give a $hit what you think. This has been replaced by the gene that makes you howl all night like a horny beast, while taking a dump in the neighbour's rose bed.


It also changes the colour of their hair follicles, with orange making them standout from other cats. Although one bleeding scientist remarked: 'As if the growling and crazy eyes were not enough of a give away.'




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