Various vacuous vixens voyage into the void

Noted rocket scientist and astrophysicist Katy Perry has criticised the apparent lack of return trajectory for the Blue Origin space rocket.

A spokeswoman said, 'Katy has crunched the numbers, and she’s not happy with the rocket's thrust or fuel burn rates. She would also like to know how best to make her space suit a bit sluttier – what with all the thrusting. If she makes it back, hopefully she'll be able to describe space without using the word 'girl-boss', but let's see.'

Divorce lawyer Karolina Krychowiak said, 'Divorce number 1 cost Bezos $38 billion, so to avoid divorce number 2 he’s going to fire his girlfriend and some collateral damage, into the depths of space. That's cold - and I'm not talking about the depths of space.'

Old school sexist Derek Drummond dribbled, 'They’ve got all of space, but I bet those women still won’t be able to park.' Drummond went suspiciously quiet when shown a photo of Perry in her newly altered space suit.

Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

LA fires just P.Diddy client list being burnt

Los Angeles erupted in flames, as Hollywood notables tried to burn their season ticket to Diddy's mansion and the Epstein Island. So huge was the pile of evidence, that the conflagration could be seen for miles. Witnesses said the smoke cloud resembled a gurning Bill Clinton.

The client list, which is said to include 7% of all Americans and 100% of Oscar nominees, filled whole warehouses. All those names have now been lost in the fires and can only be recovered if you Google 'people who thanked Beyonce'.

Sadly the fires have spread to engulf Trump's hush money, Obama's birth certificate and Joe Biden's war crimes and pill prescription. Lawyers say they will be unable to prosecute due to a lack of evidence, meaning P.Diddy will walk free - if only he was not going to be found mysteriously dead in his cell next week.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trial questions for would-be agony aunts/uncles/piblings etc.

Q:  Can everyone see what total knobs Donald Trump, Nigel Farage and Elon Musk are, or am I wearing magic glasses?

Q:  My wife assured me her 'Mrs Always Right' mug was microwave safe.  It turns out it wasn't.  How does one proceed from a marital point of view?

Q:  Given that wars are generally fought over invisible things - borders, gods, principles etc. - can I invade the Houses of Parliament over my pension?

Q:  I am putting out a petition calling for the OED to redefine the word 'celebrity' - any takers?

Q:  It struck me that the European response to any world conflict would be doomed if it was centred around EU or NATO military collaborations.  Would it be better to proceed with a Eurovision Alliance?

Footnote: Pibling is a word. Google it.

Scary picture credit: Wix AI