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Modern rhyming slang



Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff…


Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with:


Celebs


Oily garage (‘oily’) – Nigel Farage

Oily sump (‘oily’) – Donald Trump

Oily body (‘oily’) – Narendra Modi

Lettuce – Liz Truss (obviously…)


Jeffery Epstein – unclean

Liz Truss – fuss

JD Vance - interpretive dance (eg. ‘Could you explain that using the medium of JD Vance?’)

Nigel Farage – bullshit barage

(Kemi) Badenoch - crock (probably not filled with gold)


Malaise


Robert Jenrick - sick, or taking the mick

Liz Truss – cystitis

Wallace and Gromit - vomit (eg. ‘Look out, don't step in the Wallace’)

Harry Styles - piles

Farmer Giles - piles

Nobby Stiles - piles

Brandreth, Giles – piles. See also Emma Freud.


Train delays


Frisky colt – train fault (eg. ‘Sorry I'm an hour late for work, Northern Rail frisky, innit?:’

Deep sea diver - got no driver

Oak and pine - leaves on the line

Peter Purves - no trolley service

Croydon and Purley - went home early

Stupid Berks - over-running engineering works


Miscellaneous


Snapchat - prat

Underperform - Reform 

Mar-a-lago - farago (eg. ‘It were a right mar’)



With contributions from deskpilot, FlashArry, Lockjaw, Walter Eagle, Sirlupus, Sinnick, and Beau-jolly. Well done, team!



Image credit (if any is deserved): perchance.org edited in Wix

People of Ukraine & Gaza forget their suffering



The people of Ukraine and Gaza forget all about their suffering - being bombed, shot and/or starved, and being generally f*cked about by Donald Trump and his arse-licking acolytes - in their ecstasy at learning that some singer (?) has become engaged to some footy player.


'My family have all been killed, I've been seriously wounded and my home and all my possessions have been destroyed' said one happy man. 'But hey-ho!  Who cares about minor inconveniences like that?  I couldn't be happier, knowing that this couple are set for a lifetime - or at least, a week or so - of wedded bliss.  I can't stop thinking them all day long, and at night as well, when I am kept awake by the noise of bombing, shelling and gunfire.'



Image credit: deep dream generator

Govt. to introduce Sleb Tax

Under proposed new measures, anyone claiming or aspiring to the status of a celebrity will be taxed, at a rate proportional to either (a) how tedious and/or pretentious the public find them to be, or (b) how many column-inches of print media / minutes of broadcast media / Mb of social media they occupy / clog-up / pollute.


There have also been proposals for Ultra-Low Emission Zones, banning or taxing toxic emissions of bollosck, bullshit, fakery, bakery, snowfakery and wokery.  No more greenwashing / sportswashing / attempted brainwashing in public.


Alleged slebs who claim that, in their particular case, their celebrity generates no income from which they could pay a sleb tax, will be told to get their act together, and either shape up as a proper, officially recognised celebrity and make a decent pile of money out of it, or just shut the f*ck up, piss off and stop wasting our time & attention.  Megharry in particular.




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