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Center parcs release final U turn instructions for residents


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Further to our earlier instruction, where we stated inmates, sorry, residents were to remain in their accommodation for the duration of the funeral service on Monday, we have updated our rules.


First, Inmates are allowed to leave their cells, sorry, lodges for fresh air, toilet breaks and roll call.


Second, in the interest in customer security, ankle trackers will be issued to all prisoners, sorry, inmates, sorry see above. A fully refundable deposit will be required, your credit card has already been debited.


Third, anyone straying more than thirty metres from their cells will be shot. A fully refundable deposit will be taken out on bullets, one per resident. Any bullets not used will result in the deposit being refunded. If bullets are required, customers can, of course, keep them but the deposit will be retained.


Fourth, Center Parcs is all about getting back to nature. As a result, all inmates attending on the 19th will be expected to get close to nature by digging a rectangular hole, approximately six foot deep, one per resident. The hole is not billable, but any customers availing themselves of the holes will have their estate billed as per our extended stay discounted rate.


All of us at Center Parcs wish all our lags a restful and enjoyable visit.


image from pixabay



First published 17 Sep 2022


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Center Parcs will now accept Scottish money when fleecing customers


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Recreators of Logan's Run Center Parcs have announced a new initiative alongside the planning of their first Scottish Resort. Banknotes issued by Clydesdale Bank will be accepted when they attempt to extract every last penny from your accounts during your stay.


"It's a great day for Center Parcs," said head of revenue generation Iain Sharke. "We already have many guests from Scotland come to our villages in England and it pains us to turn away their stacks of money purely because they look like they were created on Photoshop. With initial work underway for our resort in Hawick, we're pleased to accept their monopoly money alongside all major credit and debit cards, cryptocurrency, gemstones, and your grandmother's gold fillings."


In the Scottish Borders, locals were delighted at the prospect of a mixture of the Eden Project and a Gulag on their doorsteps. "I'm all for it," one business owner remarked, "People staying there will be so shocked at the 100% mark-up in the resort that we can increase our prices by 50%, undercutting them and still making an obscene profit. Now, if you don't have any more questions, unless you buy something, I'm going to have to charge you a fiver as a table charge."



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