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Embarrassment over footage of man at Coldplay gig

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A man was today hugely embarrassed at footage showing him in the audience at a Coldplay gig.


“Look, it’s not me,” he protested, as the footage showed him hiding his face the moment he realised he was on camera. “It’s just someone who looks like me. I’m in lots of photos with Jeffrey Epstein, that’s why I look familiar…


“Oh all right, it’s me,” he finally admitted. “But I only went because I’m having an affair with a woman at work, and she insisted. To be honest, it was a real wake-up call - until then, I was thinking we might have a future together.”


His wife has issued a statement saying she knew all about the affair, but seeing him at a Coldplay gig was the last straw and she’s now initiating divorce proceedings.



Coca-Cola corp fires all its executives

Avi Menschenheimer, CEO of the Coca-Cola corp, has made a unilateral decision to fire all the executives who work there.


“I just woke up one day and had a really obvious realisation,” he told reporters. “I mean, we make literally one product which has never changed in the slightest, apart from a blip in the 80s where we tweaked the recipe and instantly tweaked it back. It’s already sold everywhere in the world. Even in places where you can’t get water.


“Obviously we need some blue collar guys to run the factory where it’s made, ship it to distribution centres etc. But somehow the company has, like, ten thousand executives. What the hell do they do all day? Product development? The product never changes. Marketing? Who hasn’t heard of coke?


“So I tentatively suggested to the board that possibly some savings could be made, and they instantly presented me with a plan to bring in even more executives to conduct an “in-depth efficiency study”. And you can bet they’d have found a way to stay on the payroll when the study was over. So I realised the only way was to get rid of the whole lot of them.


“Now my working day consists of the factory foreman calling me up, saying ‘You want us to make some more coke?’ I reply ‘That’d be great, thanks.’ And then I’m pretty much done. Though I keep my phone on in case he calls to say ‘I forgot to ask, you want it in bottles or cans?’”




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