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Pulling hair, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase to be banned say FA


An FA disciplinary panel has said hair pulling, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase should not be tolerated and will be considered a bookable offence during the 2026-27 season


The panel stopped short of banning other childish games and pastimes but warned playground pursuits such as British Bulldogs and Hop Scotch could eventually be included to the list if they started creeping into the game..


A spokesman for the FA said that the pulling of hair was an ‘infringement’ and players needed to get a grip and show bit more style.


‘It is curtains for hair pulling’ said Jason Beesley ‘we can’t just comb over the incident like some pageboy pompadour. Players need to shape up before they blow out….hair pulling used to be on the fringes but this season there seems to have been an extension.


We dread locks of hair being pulled out and ending up as highlights on Match of the Day.


Players need to mullet over before they are caught bangs to right….


Obviously there are exceptions….any player caught pulling Cole Palmers hair will automatically receive a free pudding of their choice.


If he finds that hairstyle acceptable then we at the FA think pulling it is acceptable.

Cheating increases during Wacky Races


Cheating has soared rise by 100 percent on the famous driving competition as competitors turn to giant boulders and ACME bombs to gain an advantage.


According to freedom of information data from Hanna-Barbera Productions, many cases involve Dick Dastardly and Muttley.  Sometimes he disguises himself as the Abominable Snowman or a gorilla, uses giant elastic bands, illusionary rivers or anvils.  


Professor Pat Pending, of The Flintstone University, warned of the dangers of these actions, "It means that there will be more accidents, collisions, damage to the cars,  damage to human beings and, in some cases, bears" .


Industry leaders blamed the increase on Dastardly and Muttley's desperation to win, while the DVSA blamed the apparent general rise in cheating on improved detection due to the fact that "every attempt to cheat was witnessed by thousands of children all over the country" (Source BARB).


Dastardly's usual race strategy revolves around using his car's great speed to get ahead of the other racers, and then setting a trap to stop them. If he just concentrated on driving he would win every race.




Anal insertion champion accused of playing chess during live squeezathon




The prestigious ‘Up the Orifice 2022’ championships have been thrown into disarray by the resignation of world number one Mingus Carlsberg, just one insertion into a critical game.


‘Mingus made a strong start with an amusingly knobbly parsnip, causing involuntary applause and much empathetic shifting in their seats from the rapt audience,’ reported commentator Dan Fistule. ‘When plucky upstart Glans Newman responded with a bravura Orangina bottle (unlubricated), everyone thought it was game on, and settled in for the long stretch. However, rather than shoving up, Mingus threw down his next piece, a 3D replica of St Peter’s Basilica, and stormed- somewhat awkwardly- offstage, thereby throwing the game.’


Carlsberg then issued a statement accusing his opponent of clandestinely playing chess beneath the table during match play, showing a lack of respect for the noble art of anal insertion. A riposte from Newman’s camp insisted the chess pieces found littering the floor beneath his chair were merely warmup stretching aids, permissible under 2007’s controversial rules ‘expansion’.


‘It left the crowd breathless and tearful, with which, along with severe butticular tearing, we are all pretty familiar,’ recounted Fistule. ‘However, to everyone’s delight, Mingus’s empty chair was soon filled by wildcard ‘Sphinc’ Fillerstang, who, in a dazzling example of ‘reverse plug-play’, swiftly absorbed the chair itself into his capacious fundament. The audience leaped, roaring, from their seats, although much of that can be credited to the array of household items left clattering onto the upholstery. Bravo! Does anyone have a spare donut cushion?’



First published 24 Sep 2022


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