White House hires exorcist to deal with Epstein’s ghost

A confused White House is believed to be considering hiring a Catholic priest to exorcise Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost.

‘All I hear is Epstein’s ghost this, Epstein’s ghost that’, a spokesman said. ‘The big man wants this ghost gone, just like he wanted some random people in Minneapolis gone, so that’s what we’re gonna do’.

A Vatican spokesman confirmed that exorcism is still a thing but pointed out that the problem might be more to do with living people than dead ones. The Vatican also said we shouldn’t expect ‘spooky music, people having their heads sliced off in freak accidents or walls pasted with pages from the Bible’. Disappointing. Maybe there’s a premium service we could order, like Exorcism Platinum?

Jeffrey Epstein was an evil man who arranged the rape of hundreds of children by, erm, nobody else. Just himself, presumably. He was the only one charged, so that must mean that he arranged an entire paedo island infrastructure just to satisfy the perverted interests of one man. And now he’s haunting the White House, which is additional proof that he was a wrong ‘un.

The world is a much safer place with Epstein gone. Since there weren’t any other rich paedophiles, we can safely assume that children in America are now safe and won’t be raped any more. There definitely won’t be any organised networks of rich, powerful men abusing children systematically, because there really was only the one and he’s now dead.

Rest easy, America. 

image from Grok

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NewsBiscuit Car Review: The all new Keir Stormer

There were high expectations on this new model, in this case SiR Stormer. The build up to the launch was preceded by genuine positive expectations, however it turns out that this version is a bit of a let down, offering little joy and disappointing performance. The cost seems high for what it eventually delivered, and other competitors have already taken advantage of this.

The longevity of it is already in question and it appears to depreciate at an alarming rate. On an unchallenging run, it handles well but struggles under difficult conditions. Other countries have been complimentary on its capabilities, yet it has not faired so well here in Britain.

It is a small, compact unit much suited to urban environments; out in the countryside it has less appeal. You won’t see too many farmers choosing this to meet their needs.

Not the worst option out there, and maybe only appeals to true fans. Long term, will it be reliable enough to last or will they replace it with something flashier with a bit of zing? Only time will tell.

Pros

It turns on a sixpence

Surprisingly good for families with many children

Cons

Promises of low tax now seem exaggerated

Starts poorly and never really gets going

Functional but lacks any charm ✭✭✩✩✩