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Fake Chinese stamps have become the latest in a long line of recent Post Office successes, after the wrongful prosecutions based on software that was known to be faulty, corporate cover-up of the same and the defection of Postman Pat to the private sector.


Working in the dehumanising environs of an Amazon warehouse is now deemed a more attractive prospect, despite Running Man style electrical collars that punish workers deemed to be in the toilet or have otherwise reduced their productivity or be considering unionising.


A UK government statement said 'Posting something second class is now saying that you want the contents to be destroyed. Listen, if the Chinese Government want to start getting involved in our postal service, they're more than welcome. They touched it last. No takesy backsies.'






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The Chinese Ambassador admitted: 'We hacked your electoral roll, only to discover three names left on it - Peter Mandelson, Eddie the Eagle and Bolton Wanderers FC. Someone had already deleted millions of voters and replaced them with a gallery of erotic photographs of Prince Andrew and a lubricated garden gnome.'


Further attempts to undermine MPs were thwarted by the MPs own voting record. 'We'd hoped to create fake stories of lurid sex scandals and financial wrongdoing, but nothing prepared us for Rishi Sunak's debauched WhatsApp group and Keir Starmer's sock drawer.


'We have a strong suspicion that the UK may be a front for an elaborate money laundering scheme, while the real UK is based in the Cayman Islands. Having hacked into the UK we are now worried our computers might have picked up a virus. And judging by your Ministers, its probably Syphilis.'


Image: Newsbiscuit

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