It’s Christmas. And Christmas means round-robin letters from distant relatives that you only hear from once a year. Usually, it’s the correspondence equivalent of watching paint dry – first words, first babies, first offence, first bus driver, first conviction. You know. There’s always a germ of truth, but you always wonder how much.
Anyway, the Slagg family, from Sunderland, have written (or possibly dictated) a round-robin letter that has gone viral because of its brutal honesty. We can’t publish the letter in full, for legal reasons, but here are some extracts:
...Colin got the school prize for the most detentions, and Charlene’s OnlyFans site is going well. Charlene has nine followers on line, and two followers whenever she leaves the house. Barry’s wrist is still bad after he got his hand stuck in a 2p falls machine at Scarborough. Troy is making home brew gin out of hand sanitiser. There’s loads of it around since Covid, so Troy is cleaning up. Haha!…
...the cat caught the neighbour's pet rabbit again. That’s the third time since Easter. And Boris the dog has fathered at least nine litters this year (that we know about). The neighbours are furious. Well, the ones with dogs are...
...Jezza got cautioned for doing 70mph on the motorway with a grand piano strapped to the roof of his Astra. Jason’s got himself arrested again, so he can spend Christmas on remand, same as usual. And we got a fixed penalty notice over the mattresses in the front garden. We’re hoping the planning people don’t find out about the sun deck we’ve built round the back from old pallets. We are burning some of the pallets to keep warm, since the electricity company wired our meter back up and put it in a secure box...
...there was no cruise for us this year, but coincidentally Des was cautioned for cruising. He was upset after finding out that his favourite dogging site is being turned into a Costa drive-thru. We holidayed in Skegness instead, on that Sun newspaper £9-a-night offer. Skegness in February wasn’t as warm as we’d hoped…
…still no news about our application to be on Only Connect...
