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A Christmas Carol – Abridged version


Scrooge shook his quill, then slipped a bony finger into the ink pot, confirming that it was dry.


‘Cratchit!’ he shouted, causing young Bob to snap his head up, fear in his eyes. He realised that the ink pot was dry and Scrooge was angry.


‘I’ve been thinking,’ growled Scrooge, fixing young Bob’s stare. ‘You’re right. Let’s close up, scoot to Spoons, get shit-faced and we can pick up a turkey from Tesco on the way home for Mrs Cratchit,’ he said.


Bob relaxed. ‘And tomorrow – Christmas Day?’ he asked.


‘Don’t push it Cratchit. First round’s on you,’ answered Scrooge.



Govt. to crack down on tax-evading Christmas freebies


The government has decided that this year, tax inspectors will follow Santa Claus and assess the value each present delivered before imposing appropriate VAT and import duty on it.  The inspectors will also measure the distance covered by Santa's sleigh and calculate the mileage charge payable.


This is before visiting Santa's workshop and checking the elves' timesheets and wage slips before imposing the correct employer's NI and pension contributions.  Officials will also check the working conditions (including working hours, workplace temperatures, hygiene conditions and health-and-safety situation), imposing appropriate fines and other financial penalties where there are any deficiencies.


Amazon are reported to be considering making a bid for the takeover of the entire Santa Claus enterprise, after the CEO, Mr Claus, was overheard saying 'Oh, bollosck to all this.  I may as well not exist!'


(A merry Christmas to all our readers.  Ho ho flippin' ho.)




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