Appeal launched to save Boris' skin for a grateful nation

English Heritage and the National Trust have announced a joint appeal to save the prime minister's skin and prevent it from being sold abroad.

A spokesperson said: 'It's vital that Boris's skin, which has an area of some 523 square feet, stays in Britain. It would be an absolute tragedy if it were taken out of the country and displayed in somewhere like Paris, or, God forbid, run up a flag pole in Brussels. Admittedly it is exceptionally thin and badly bruised in places, mainly due to the fallout from an excess of champagne cork popping. As a result, the skin has been designated as an Area of Outstanding Bullshit.'

Culture secretary and part-time sanitary pad Nadine Dorries said the PM's skin is iconic. 'It's as important to the nation's history as one of Churchill's Boer war condoms. I'm doing everything in my power to save it, including giving it a quick iron, destroying the BBC and taking a Masters in sycophantic grovelling.'

UK Government finds huge amount of coins down the back of a massive sofa

The government has discovered a record amount of currency down the back of a massive sofa kept in an underground warehouse near Downing Street.

'This is a windfall for our national balance of payments' said one minister. 'We were really beginning to worry about how to pay off our debts this year, but luckily, after a good rummage, we found loads of spare coins.'

Much of the money is in ten and fifty pence coins with a few notes. Some is stuffed in brown envelopes. There is also a collection of old buttons and a key that no one knows anything about and doesn't appear to unlock anything.

'The fluff alone could pay for the BBC well into 2023' the minister added.

No one is sure about the origins of the sofa. Some believe it was brought in by Churchill who liked to use it for sprawling on and eating cheese sandwiches. During lockdown, ministers used it for jumping up and down on while quaffing champagne and laughing at proles.

'We believe this is how some of the coins ended up there', the minister continued. 'We do have a lot of angry pensioners saying the money belongs to them but that always happens when you find some spare cash doesn't it?'

Space Room Pforphoto - Free photo on Pixabay

British TV British Legally British Required to be British

The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’