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CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks



Tired of every kid with a Amstrad 464 being able to hack the Pentagon, the CIA has outsourced intelligence protection to Check-A-Trade. One spy confirmed: 'We're more leaky than a Joe Biden prostate examination. Data was dripping everywhere, the grouting on our hard drives was non-existent.'


Having provided a temporary fix, the plumber said: 'There's your problem. See that? You've got a huge hole in your ethics. Unless you plug that gap with some human rights or crafty lawyers, you're just going to get more leakers - and no water left to waterboard them.'


Faced with rising panic and rising damp, the CIA agreed to re-tile the whole of the secret surface. Given their predilection for war crimes, the plumber reminded them he offered a discount for repeat business: 'But cash in hand, please. I'm sure I can trust you guys not to blab to the IRS.'



First published 18 April 2023


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Epstein ‘alive and well’ at Hotel California


Some believe Jeffrey Epstein to be dead. A handful of people even think he took his own life.


But what if he’s alive, spirited away to safety by the CIA? Weird News specialist Ray Sullivan blew the lid several years ago on Hotel California, a secret island retreat for ‘deceased’ rock stars. Could Epstein be there?


NewsBiscuit went undercover to reveal the truth, but we couldn’t find it. Turns out secret islands aren’t easy to locate and the CIA won’t answer even a really polite email. It’s Area 51 all over again, we wasted months on that.


Do you know where Epstein is hiding? Have you seen someone who looks like him? Or do you, perhaps, run a training agency for undercover reporters? Better still – do you know where we could hire somebody competent? If so, we’d like to hear from you.


image from grok

No internet horror-sounds alright


Iran has cut off the internet to its people, prompting wide scale outrage online-which fortunately they don't have to read. Influencers and chat rooms have been furious, while most Iranians read a good book.


This clampdown on CIA sponsored unrest, has meant no spam mail, no clickbait and no toxic posts by Donald Trump. Said one Iranian. 'I know I should miss all that online "democracy", but I now have an extra six hours a day with my friends and family. "


One US General said 'Iranians can't appreciate freedom, unless they are on their cell phones 24/7, in debt to Amazon and monitored by Palantir. How they going to know that America is the greatest if they can't hear Mr Beast?"




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