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No internet horror-sounds alright


Iran has cut off the internet to its people, prompting wide scale outrage online-which fortunately they don't have to read. Influencers and chat rooms have been furious, while most Iranians read a good book.


This clampdown on CIA sponsored unrest, has meant no spam mail, no clickbait and no toxic posts by Donald Trump. Said one Iranian. 'I know I should miss all that online "democracy", but I now have an extra six hours a day with my friends and family. "


One US General said 'Iranians can't appreciate freedom, unless they are on their cell phones 24/7, in debt to Amazon and monitored by Palantir. How they going to know that America is the greatest if they can't hear Mr Beast?"




Trump finds Fentanyl in Greenland


Much to the concern of Denmark, the US is set to designate Greenland as a rogue terrorist state, which is one threat level below 'country that has oil'. Accusing Greenland of drug production is usually a precursor to invading or 'freedomizing' as the CIA call it.


Greenland will become the 53rd state, after Venezuela and Jeffrey Epstein's sex island. The indigenous people will be preserved in the same way native Americans were - so probably in pickle.


Greenland is very lucky that democracy is coming to them, despite already being a democracy, but this type of democracy comes with no universal health care. Said one General: 'If we don't find Fentanyl, our Big Pharma will bring its own.'


All Nobel Peace Prizes are ironic


The award will now go to anyone who has genocidal intent, a secret lair and is being operated by the CIA like a meat puppet. If anything Donald Trump is too ethical for a nomination, given that he's evil by accidental stupidity rather than conscious planning.


Previous recipients include mass murderers and the guy who dropped more bombs than a Netflix show runner. To qualify you must have henchmen, facial scarring and a faintly European accent. Maniacal laughter is optional.


Actual peace activists are now designated terrorists. And actual terrorists are called statesmen. Peace is War. Up is down. And Netanyahu is definitely not lying.




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