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All Nobel Peace Prizes are ironic

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The award will now go to anyone who has genocidal intent, a secret lair and is being operated by the CIA like a meat puppet. If anything Donald Trump is too ethical for a nomination, given that he's evil by accidental stupidity rather than conscious planning.


Previous recipients include mass murderers and the guy who dropped more bombs than a Netflix show runner. To qualify you must have henchmen, facial scarring and a faintly European accent. Maniacal laughter is optional.


Actual peace activists are now designated terrorists. And actual terrorists are called statesmen. Peace is War. Up is down. And Netanyahu is definitely not lying.




Maxwell imprisoned for sex trafficking to no one

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It has been revealed that the Epstein client list never existed. Jimmy Saville was a harmless DJ. And Prince Andrew just likes paying random ladies £12m. This does mean Ghislaine Maxwell has spent more time in jail for a crime she didn't commit than the A-Team.


Her defence lawyer explained: 'If no clients existed, then all Miss Maxwell is guilty of is giving a bunch of teenage girls a lovely holiday on an empty island. It's like a jolly Duke of Edinburgh award - without the other Duke.'


The public are gutted that all their conspiracy theories have disappeared - along with all the witnesses. Said one CIA operative: 'You think you were duped? Imagine how silly we feel after killing Jeffrey Epstein!'



CIA hunts for saboteurs who greased aircraft carrier decks


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The CIA believes that two expensive US warplanes that fell off a US aircraft carrier may have been targeted by saboteurs.


A US military spokesperson with a very, very short haircut admits that two navy jets had fallen off the USS Harry Truman. The CIA and military police are now looking into the theory that anti-America marxist communist sympathisers may have greased the runway deck, so that the planes could not brake in time, and slid into the sea.


‘Our pilots are the best of the best,’ said a spokesman. ‘And our warplanes are the best of the best. And our aircraft carriers are the best of the best. There is no way that the planes were affected by equipment malfunction, or pilot error, or overconfidence, or bald tires, or dodgy brakes, or anything. It’s all absolutely perfect, all of the time, 24/7/365. We have reassured the President that there are no trans people, gays, Mexican, Canadian or Democrats among the crew.


‘So, at the present time, our best working hypothesis is that there has been a gross act of sabotage. The slippery deck theory is the only one that makes sense in the circumstances, and we are focusing all our efforts on that.


‘We have checked the aircraft carrier deck for greasy substances. We have recovered traces of sun cream, microwaveable string cheese, canola oil, gasoline, WD40, badger sweat (weird), and KY Jelly.


‘We believe that insurgents have penetrated our defences and that these oily substances have slipped through our security procedures and were smeared on the deck right under our noses. It was a slick operation, and we are making every effort to find the slime balls who did this.


‘We will dry out the ditched fighter jets, and we have promised the President that they will be flying again soon. You don’t spend $60m on a jet plane without making sure that it’s waterproof.’

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