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CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks


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Tired of every kid with a Amstrad 464 being able to hack the Pentagon, the CIA has outsourced intelligence protection to Check-A-Trade. One spy confirmed: 'We're more leaky than a Joe Biden prostate examination. Data was dripping everywhere, the grouting on our hard drives was non-existent.'


Having provided a temporary fix, the plumber said: 'There's your problem. See that? You've got a huge hole in your ethics. Unless you plug that gap with some human rights or crafty lawyers, you're just going to get more leakers - and no water left to waterboard them.'


Faced with rising panic and rising damp, the CIA agreed to re-tile the whole of the secret surface. Given their predilection for war crimes, the plumber reminded them he offered a discount for repeat business: 'But cash in hand, please. I'm sure I can trust you guys not to blab to the IRS.'



CIA promise to look after Assange like they looked after JFK


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As it looks increasingly likely that the Wikileaks journalist will be extradited, the bookies have ceased to take bets on whether he will live to see that last book of Game of Thrones.


Asked to comment on their previous plans to assassinate Mr. Assange, a CIA sourced admitted: 'We don't need to kill him directly, we can just let him drink the water in Flint.


'We'll be giving Mr. Assange the red carpet treatment - so called, because of all the blood on it. He'll have an open top ride around Dealey Plaza, then take in a play at Ford's Theatre and finally spend the night in Jeffery Epstein's cell.


'And if we can't kill him, there's always suicide - we've arranged for him to watch James Corden in Cats'.






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