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Civil service 'seriously considered' telling Queen that bears defecate in woods



Senior civil servants 'seriously considered' telling the Queen that bears sh*t in the woods and that the Pope is a Catholic, according to the BBC's Laura Kuennsberg.


Furthermore, says Kuennsberg, they seriously considered telling her that Boris Johnson was behaving in office like a gallivanting elephant out of its head on amphetimines.


'There would have been no other way for Her Majesty to have known how disgracefully irresponsible and chaotic her prime minister was,' continued Kuennsberg.


'Apart from by opening a newspaper, watching the telly, listening to the radio or speaking to any other human being in Britain during the time that Boris was in Downing Street.


'Or by meeting him, I suppose,' added Kuennsberg.


'Two minutes in Johnson's company would have told her everything about this reckless, blundering oaf that she'd ever have needed to know.'



First published 19 Sep 2023


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Civil Service reels as higher level apprenticeships are scrapped


The Civil Service is horrified that the government has scrapped funding for higher level apprenticeships and for older apprentices.


A spokesman said, ‘The Civil Service has an excellent record of delivering apprenticeship places. Everyone in HR is doing an apprenticeship. The government is funding their MA courses and their PhD’s that are essential in getting them well paid jobs in the private sector.   Without the apprenticeship scheme, all these stupid old duffers won’t get any qualifications, and they will just hang around and block promotion for younger staff.


‘All professional functions will be affected – procurement, facilities management, organisational development, finance, talent management, equality and disability officers, LGBTQ+ champions, records management, and communications experts – all the critical back office functions that keep the Civil Service show on the road. This is a tremendous blow.  Without the apprenticeships to keep them busy, these people will be back in the office thinking up new and stupider ways to bugger up the Civil Service.


‘Thankfully, policy work is not affected.  All our policy staff are essentially untrained, including those with degrees in PPE from Oxford University.   They have always argued that their lived experience from the University of Hardly Any Knocks is the best training for thinking up dim-witted policies for their ministers. 


'So, going forward in the new world without funding for apprentices, policymaking will continue to be done by shadowy think tanks, and the civil servants will continue to present this work as their own.’



Picture credit: Wix AI

Civil Service accused of bullying ministers



Speaking from an abandoned fairground where he has just been arrested for dressing up as a ghost, Prime Minister (yes, really) Rishi Sunak has spoken out against ‘pesky’ civil servants ruining things.


‘It’s a conspiracy’, he said. ‘Left to our own devices Conservative ministers would have governed wisely. The small boats crisis would never have happened – we didn’t want to prevent asylum-seekers from filing their claims abroad. The civil service made us.


‘As for the NHS – God, I wish they hadn’t made us underfund it. And those PPE contracts! I wanted them to go to proper companies but the civil servants assured me that we should go for ‘mates rates’ and insisted that each minister should pick an old school chum. Poor Matt didn’t have any chums so he had to go with his pub landlord’.


Home Secretary Suella Braverman (yes, really) spoke out about the “evil” Rwanda policy. ‘I wanted to put them up somewhere nice, process their claims efficiently and give them all a hug. You should hear the stories – absolutely tragic’, she told reporters. ‘But those civil servants insisted on a policy of scaring them away. That’s why the Prime Minister has been dressing up as a ghost and patrolling the beach at Dover’.


The latest victim is Dominic Raab, a workaholic Mensa member who had offered to personally fly to Afghanistan to save British interpreters, armed only with his karate skills and rapier wit, only to find his plans derailed by civil servants who tied his shoelaces together and then closed the sea, effectively trapping him on a sunlounger in Crete. Raab has now been forced to resign in the latest hostile move, leaving the Justice Department without the benefit of his efficiency, empathy and charm.


It's clear that the Civil Service doesn’t deserve our votes at the next General Election. We urge readers to vote for a political party instead. Our thoughts and prayers are with Dominic Raab’s ego, which has shrunk to the size of Belgium. God Bless you, Dom!



First published 23 April 2023


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