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Civil Service accused of bullying ministers



Speaking from an abandoned fairground where he has just been arrested for dressing up as a ghost, Prime Minister (yes, really) Rishi Sunak has spoken out against ‘pesky’ civil servants ruining things.


‘It’s a conspiracy’, he said. ‘Left to our own devices Conservative ministers would have governed wisely. The small boats crisis would never have happened – we didn’t want to prevent asylum-seekers from filing their claims abroad. The civil service made us.


‘As for the NHS – God, I wish they hadn’t made us underfund it. And those PPE contracts! I wanted them to go to proper companies but the civil servants assured me that we should go for ‘mates rates’ and insisted that each minister should pick an old school chum. Poor Matt didn’t have any chums so he had to go with his pub landlord’.


Home Secretary Suella Braverman (yes, really) spoke out about the “evil” Rwanda policy. ‘I wanted to put them up somewhere nice, process their claims efficiently and give them all a hug. You should hear the stories – absolutely tragic’, she told reporters. ‘But those civil servants insisted on a policy of scaring them away. That’s why the Prime Minister has been dressing up as a ghost and patrolling the beach at Dover’.


The latest victim is Dominic Raab, a workaholic Mensa member who had offered to personally fly to Afghanistan to save British interpreters, armed only with his karate skills and rapier wit, only to find his plans derailed by civil servants who tied his shoelaces together and then closed the sea, effectively trapping him on a sunlounger in Crete. Raab has now been forced to resign in the latest hostile move, leaving the Justice Department without the benefit of his efficiency, empathy and charm.


It's clear that the Civil Service doesn’t deserve our votes at the next General Election. We urge readers to vote for a political party instead. Our thoughts and prayers are with Dominic Raab’s ego, which has shrunk to the size of Belgium. God Bless you, Dom!



First published 23 April 2023


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Labour to set up mugging squads to boost public finances

"Some people may object to having their cash confiscated at knife point," said a masked Treasury spokes-robber in a public information broadcast, "but you all want better public services without paying any more tax, so you've left this Labour government with very little choice about how to balance the books.


"Starting from midnight tonight, specially-trained civil servants will be lurking in alleyways throughout the UK, armed with Stanley knives and wearing balaclavas, to snatch supplementary taxes from random passers-by.


"The biggest challenge we had was to teach these paper-pushers to scarper with the loot rather than ask their victims to fill out financial release forms in triplicate.


"You are forbidden to resist being mugged by His Majesty's Tax Assailants, or let your dog bite them on the backside.


"You may consider this an inhumane way for Labour to levy extra revenue, but we say it's social justice in action. People rich enough to walk around with money in their pockets will have to hand it over. The stony broke will be exempt.


"And don't forget that proceeds from this imaginative scheme will go to the NHS - which some of you will be needing after we've mugged you.


"Besides, how can you stop us?" sneered the spokes-Starmerist. "We're in charge for the next five years and we'll do whatever we like to you."


image from pixabay

Esther McVey: 'Civil servants may only wear black, the colour of my soul'

Minister for Common Sense and No Mucking Abaaaaaht Esther McVey has got involved with what colours civil servants can wear - both on their work lanyards and in their own private lives.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'We don't want civil servants to have consciences, that would be a disaster. Civil servants have to implement government policy, so we want dead-eyed automatons, whose only joy is inflicting as much avoidable suffering as possible. Like Esther McVey.'


'We must know if civil servants' pants could be carrying political messages. Or if 7 civil servants all wore shirts in the colours of the rainbow, they wouldn't be allowed to stand in a row.'


Civil servant Eleanor Evans said 'McVey wants to ban pointless, political job creation schemes? What, like having a Minister for Common Sense?' 




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