Frozen pensioners to be cryogenically preserved

The government has offered new hope to elderly people found dead in their Arctically-heated flats. Labour promises to keep them frozen until such time as they can be revived and resume their lives in a world where climate change has made winter a thing of the past.

'Pensioners should see this as an opportunity. Many are living in conditions ideal for sub-zero preservation', says a government spokesperson. 'From there they can be moved to a cryogenic storage facility to free up space for new tenants'. People going blue with the cold can take comfort in the fact that it could be the first step to a new life in the 22nd century.

However, Tory critics are acccusing the government of 'stockpiling future Labour voters' at taxpayers' expense. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg opposes the measure: 'I know what it's like to wake up in the wrong century and I wouldn't wish it on anybody'.

Image: WixAI

Wales seeks reparations from First World

Wales has called on the First World to do more to help it with the growing climate emergency.

'It’s not like we’re causing the problem,' sang a Welsh spokesman in an uplifting baritone. 'There’s bugger all heavy industry in Wales these days. Cars can’t go above 20mph. Beyond stopping the sheep farting, I don’t see what else we can do.'

'Yet clearly we’re bearing the brunt of what I’ve decided to believe is climate change - rather than, say, the weather in Wales always being crap - since that opens the door to truckloads of compensation.'

He went on to say the First World must do more to help the Global South, even those parts of it which aren’t actually in the southern half of the globe.

'It’s galling to think that just a few miles away in England they have electricity and inside toilets, while we suffer like this. Some say the answer is to be more like English, and couples shouldn’t be related until they get married. But I think that’s a slippery slope - before you know it, we’ll have more than five different surnames.'

Image: TheDigitalArtist - Pixabay

New CBeebies Show: Meet COP The Talking Shop

The BBC are introducing pre-school children to climate change issues via a new series featuring a talking shop. Meet COP The Talking Shop will air next week and will feature the cute climate aware character COP, who loves to talk about rising temperatures, stormy weather and saving the planet.

Nobody actually buys anything that they’re selling, so they have plenty of time for a natter. There’s also plenty of comedy to keep the toddlers amused including lots of references to wind, and numerous songs for the children to join in with, such as ‘Rain, rain go away!’, ‘Row, row, row your boat gently up the street’, and ‘Oh where, oh where has my polar bear gone?’

A CBeebies producer told us, “Pre-school is an important time to start climate change education, and the first thing they need to learn is how to talk about it, because at the end of the day, and probably the World, that’s all anybody ever does.'

Photo by stockcake: children-watching-television_1309980_340087