Physicists agree statement to 'water down' Newton's Laws of Motion

Members of the Institute of Physics have agreed on a declaration, following a boozy and rather fractious lunch at The Ivy, that has been both hailed as historic and dismissed as weak. Here are the big takeaways:

In the first law, an object may be able to change its motion even if no force acts on it, providing the prevailing economic conditions support such a move.

In the second law, the force on an object will no longer be equal to its mass times its acceleration, but will be phased in over a period, to be agreed some time in future.

In the third law, when two objects interact, they apply forces to each other of equal magnitude and opposite direction but only if the larger object ,and all its allies, agree.

Politicians say the document did not go far enough for world leaders, who don't believe a word scientists say anyway.

Image: From Marwool (@frommarwool) | Unsplash Photo Community

UK Government announces deal to send Illegal Immigrants to Iceberg A23a

UK Home Secretary, James Cleverly, has announced a deal with Iceberg A23a to process illegal immigrants coming to the UK in "Small Boats". The iceberg, a massive 280m deep and has a landmass twice the size of London,  was carved from the Antarctic coast in 1986 and is about to drift beyond the reaches of the Continent.

'This Conservative Government has yet again come up with a deal that is innovative, humane, value for money and a clear deterrent", said Mr Cleverly, "The iceberg is completely free of people and is run entirely by some very enterprising Polar Bears whose only requirement was a steady supply of Meat and Fish. We will ensure they get this in abundance saving millions for the British taxpayer.'

Mr Cleverly also went only to say that Human Rights concerns are baseless as Polar Bears are not human and are therefore exempt from it's purview.

A spokesbear growled, "This is a great deal as our needs are simple, we want meet and fish and you have plenty to send us."

Photo by Hubert Neufeld on Unsplash

Oil producing nations pledge to use ‘green’ methods for murders

We deeply regret the totally unsustainable way we used to cut up and dispose of the bodies of thse we have secretly murdered,’ said Usman X, a prominent figure in the middle east murder world.

‘The electric bones saw we used to dismember them were powered by mains electricity generated by fossil fuels. This must never happen again and we promise our embassies and government buildings round the world will all, by 2035, have solar power so  we can generate electricity for tasers, genital tortures and other methods of secret coercion and punishment, as well as for deniable murders.’

Usman X continued:; ‘Meanwhile, we still lead the world in sustainability where judicial punishment is involved. Head for head, (or more likely hand for hand)  severing, stoning,  beheading and whipping use far less energy than imprisonment, with its electric lights and heating, while hanging uses the benign and natural force of gravity to do its work, unlike the wasteful electric chair.’

Mr X said his organization was proud to do its bit to lessen the global impact of fossil fuels and he looked forward to a time when the former oil-producing nations shun oil completely and depend entirely on the income from novelty swimming pools and weird skyscrapers.

Photo by Zbynek Burival on Unsplash