How to make the sun shine more

This weekend's clock change brings home what a farcical waste of time this exercise is.  As one householder said, 'It hardly makes any difference!  The sun isn't very bright at this time of year anyway, so an extra hour of it shining on my solar panels (if I'm lucky) barely earns me an extra quid.  And in the spring, I lose it again.  Or is it the other way round?  I always get confused.

'The whole idea's a bit mad - an utter con.  It's just a mind game.  What we need is something sensible and practical - something which will make a real difference, and which will save the planet.  What we ought to do is change the clocks every day.'

'If we moved the clocks one hour back every day at noon, we'd get an extra hour of sunlight every day.  And if we moved them forward again every night at midnight, we'd shorten every dark, miserable, un-productive and unprofitable sunless night by an hour, all year round.  That would be 365.2422 times more productive (yes, I've dome my homework, so I know what I'm talking about) and would also be simpler for the sun, which might otherwise get confused and get out of step with itself.'

The sun was unavailable for comment.

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Take care how you put the clocks back

Insomniacs looking forward to another hour awake in bed

With Daylight Saving Time coming to an end on Saturday, insomniacs up and down the country are looking forward to another hour lying awake in bed staring at the ceiling.

'I count sheep,' said Dave, a lifelong insomniac.  'I average about one sheep a second and in a normal night I count a flock of thirty-two thousand, four-hundred sheep.  When the clocks go back, the flock swells to thirty-six thousand sheep,' he said.  'When I get up, I imagine letting the flock escape to new pastures,' he added.

'I count illegal immigrants,' said Ralph, a Reform councillor, admitting that he counts one a second as well.  'I don't waste them like Dave,' he said, 'I add them to the Reform illegal immigrant watch list used in all our publicity.  That's how we claim nearly twelve million illegals arriving by boat each year,' he added.

Dave rubbed his eyes at Ralph's claims, not believing that his shared trauma could be used to weaponise their shared affliction.  'You imagine immigrants and use the results to falsify your claims?' he asked.  'I don't know how you sleep at night,' he said.

Image credit: perchance.org