Concern as White House orders a world map, a blindfold and darts from Temu

'It's the geopolitical equivalent of pin the tail on the donkey' bemoaned one US general, over the high pitched sound of Donald Trump's giggling. The General sighed and gave the President a lollipop for not soiling himself

The world map - a flat Earth - was of dubious quality, with many countries known by their MAGA names and New Zealand omitted altogether. 

Russia is known as 'Our Good Friend Putin's Russia'. So is Ukraine, Belarus and everything in between Moscow and Berlin. Canada is called North USA. Mexico is South USA, Spain is Old Mexico, Venezuela is Oil USA. Greenland is green, whilst Epstein Island is redacted. Togo is how the President likes his McDonald's order and the UK is called Airstrip One.

A statement from the New Zealand government said 'He doesn't know we exist. Sssssshh.'

Photo by Nikhilesh Boppana on Unsplash

Government to use CAPTCHA tool to help find RAAC

It was announced today that from now on, anyone filling in a form on a government website will have to prove they are human by using the CAPTCHA tool.

However, rather than being asked which squares contain traffic lights or motorcycles, they will be shown a random assortment of schools and hospitals and asked to say which ones look as if they might contain RAAC.

'It's really just outsourcing taken to its logical conclusion,' said Sir Crispin Penpusher of the Department for Administrative Affairs. 'Rather than doing something ourselves, we'll give the job to people we know nothing about, who probably have no skills and certainly no incentive to do it properly.

'Exactly the same approach we'll take to removing the RAAC once it's been found, in fact.'

Asked why RAAC was used in permanent buildings when it was known not to last very long, Penpusher replied 'Ah, well you see, that decision was taken by my predecessor, Sir Godfrey Timeserver.

'Naturally he knew he'd have retired long before it became a problem, just as I'll have retired before... well, no need for you to know about that just yet.'

Photo by Crawford Jolly on Unsplash

Grant Shapps is Defence Secretary - don't have nightmares!

On his first day as Secretary of Defence, Grant Shapps appeared to promise to quadruple the size and effectiveness of Britain's Armed Forces.

One sycophantic apparatchik simpered 'Grant is so good at fixing all the problems in a government department, that he's had 5 ministerial posts in 12 months. He's also great at making one person look like they have four identities, so quadrupling the army is right in his wheelhouse.'

Rishi Sunak is thought to consider Shapps to be well qualified for the post of Defence Secretary as Shapps tried both clay pigeon shooting and archery on a stag do. However attendees on that stag do reported that Shapps was 'a danger to himself and others' and was 'better suited to organising the piss up in a brewery', which turned into an 'alcopop fuelled fiasco.'

Photo by Kevin Schmid on Unsplash