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Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"


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Government Minister and Bash Street softy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has announced that all mobile phones sold in Britain will not only be coal fired but must all use the same coal scuttle with a standard volume of half a sack.


Mr Rees-Mogg explained more "The tiny island of the EU are trying to suppress the mobile telephone charger market by insisting on new fangled 'electrical' connection to provide horse power, British telephones should use British coal mined by British children and we can make things much easier for British mobile telephone makers - of which, I'm sure there are many, by setting a standard for scuttle size by 1824 (sic)."



First published 13 June 2022



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Port Talbot to focus on producing actors


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With the sad news that the blast furnaces at Port Talbot steelworks are closing today, signalling another milestone in the decline of heavy industry in Britain, the city authorities have announced they will now be focussing on producing actors instead.


'For a small city, we have an incredible track record in this area - Richard Burton, Anthony Hopkins, Michael Sheen... and yes, I suppose, Rob Brydon as well. So we just have to work how we were doing it, and do it some more.'


Plans have been drawn up to turn the site of the blast furnaces into a huge drama school, inevitably named The Drama Furnace, with all local kids to be offered free places, whether they show any talent or interest or not.


However, some have queried whether producing more actors would really help Port Talbot, since they’d most likely move to Hollywood as soon as they got famous - or in Rob Brydon’s case, Strawberry Hill in the south west London suburbs.


'And anyway, what if instead of more Richard Burtons, we end up producing more James Cordens - more Gavins than Staceys if you will. We'd have to go back to mining coal.'


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