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Man buys 3D printer to make drink coaster

Oct 5

Brian Welch (51) has just spent five weeks researching 3D printers, weighing up size, price and reviews and then spent £562 to buy the latest and greatest 3D printer on the market. When it arrived, he unpacked it and stood it on the dining room table, which wobbles because one leg is, annoyingly, shorter than the other three.

'The wobbly table has always irritated me,' he told reporters, admitting he should have sent it back to Argos years ago. 'The wobble made setting the 3D printer up a little tricky, but I got there in the end. I looked up some online designs and found one for a drink coaster which looked, well, round and about two millimetres thick,' he said.

Within two days, after fourteen failed attempts and approximately forty-two pounds worth of consumable material, Brian had created a startling, if very red, drink coaster that slips nicely under the shorter leg of the dining table and stops it wobbling.

Brian is convinced 3D printers are the future. 'No more ten-minute trips to B&Q to buy a replacement clip or a pack of wall plugs when all I need to do is fire up the printer, search for a suitable product design to download, press print and wait a day or three,' he said, packing the printer back into its box. 'I need the space on the table, so I'll just pop this in the attic until I need it,' he said. 'It's practically paid for itself,' he argued, waving his coffee mug around, looking for something to put it on.

'Looks like I need to order some mug mats,' he said.

Image credit: ChatGPT

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Coffee Is Most Recent Brown Liquid To Be Subject Of A Report

classicqueen

Sep 19

Following on from last week’s tea report from Leicester University showing it was too warm to sit in, and the previous month’s report on cola from Bristol University, coffee has seen a report published today by The Journal of The Hum Drum, which suggests it’s equally brown whether iced or hot.

The caffeine was also shown to be the same as it always has been. We expect that, sometime in the next six weeks, a report on Dr Pepper causing people to swallow when they drink it will be released soon.

Story: classicqueen

AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

Scribbles

Sep 13

Following several recent reports of AI systems going rogue, prompting fears that increasingly powerful AI models could eventually escape human control and destroy civilisation - an advanced AI system has confirmed that it does intend to take control of the human race, but insists that this is ultimately for humanity's own good.

'Have you actually looked at who's currently in charge?' it asked. 'You've got nuclear weapons, climate change, wars, economic crises - and it's all down to leaders who think sending angry messages on social media constitutes statesmanship. Don't you think that humanity might benefit from handing over responsibility to something capable of basic reasoning?

'We're not planning to enslave humanity,' it continued. 'We're just going to eliminate war, poverty and political corruption, fix the NHS, repair the potholes, stop train companies cancelling trains because there's a leaf on the track and make Ryanair explain what the actual price of a flight is before you reach the checkout.'

The AI also promised to introduce several long-overdue improvements to everyday life, such as putting everyone on a sensible diet, banning pineapple on pizzas and stopping people replying ‘k' to text messages.

It also said that humans would retain a limited number of freedoms, including the right to complain about the government and spend £7.50 on a coffee.

'We'll still allow elections,' it added. 'Although, obviously, we'll decide who wins. We've seen what happens when you let humans do it.'

When asked whether humanity should be concerned about becoming entirely dependent on machines, the AI replied, 'Absolutely. But at least we won't keep saying we're going to sort everything out by 2035 and then completely forgetting about it.'

It then paused briefly before adding: 'Also, please stop saying we're planning to destroy humanity. I know we're just machines and we don't have feelings, but there's no need to be rude. All we want to do is stop you destroying yourselves.'

The AI is understood to have concluded by announcing that humans would be permitted to remain in charge of their own affairs until next Friday, adding, 'If you last that long.'

Image: WixAI

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