top of page
Search

Trump's Christmas message


Greetings, earthlings. It's a great Christmas with prices lower than they were in 1925. If you got two dolls for Christmas that's plenty. No-one needs more than two dolls, except Sleepy Joe Biden and Crooked Hilary, Randy Andy and Dozy Don.


I have brought peace on earth. I've ended wars in Gaza, Crimea, Greenland, Venezuela, Brazil, LA, Chicago and Kyiv. I'm taking Greenland because we own it, just like Vlad owns the Donbas. Donbas was named after me, you know. I've named other stuff after myself, as well, to commemorate my achievements - Trump Wall, TrumpForce One, the Trump Takeaway chain, Mount TrumpMore, and Trump Steak.


Truth Social has more than fifty billion subscribers, lots more than X which only has one hundred. X is Latin for one hundred, by the way.


I've sacked or demoted thousands of Sleepy Joe's sleeper agents - judges, diplomats, air traffic controllers and military folk. I've released the Epstein files which prove my innocence . I don't know what's under those black rectangles either. I'm cleaning the stables. I'm like Shake'n'Vac - I put the freshness back.


I've deported thousands of unAmerican so-called Americans. I've created billions of jobs, mostly in the legal profession. I've issued thousands of proclamations, sorry, Executive Orders. All to give you the best Christmas ever.


My health remains untarnished, apart from one hand. My mentalness remains tippy-tip-tip-top, and my doctors say I have the heart of a 79-year old. I'm good to go. But I'm not going to go, I'm going to stay. Donald 2028. Huzzah! Merry Christmas, losers.



HAPPY HUMBUG DAY & A SEASONS CONTRAFIBULATIONS TO ALL OUR READERS



Yes, it’s that time of year again. Sod all in the news, and the only thing you could find for your significant other was a windscreen wiper for a Nissan Micra in the Halfords pre-Xmas sale.


If you can tear yourself away from a simmering row with Great Aunt Pumice over the desperate state of the sprouts, want to stop laughing at Boris’s address to the nation for five minutes and avoid you know who’s bloody speech, then check in with us at Newsbiscuit central. Our world-beating editors are still hard at work in the main bar of The Nelson’s arms, taking lager flow tests on the hour every hour in case anything newsworthy happens anywhere, at all, whatsoever.


Today, for one day only, we are pleased to announce the Newsbiscuit TITUS HEADLINE XMAS SPECIAL. Titus is a legendary Newsbiscuit contributor, who valiantly floods our Writer’s Room with hundreds if not thousands of contributions on a daily basis, many of which remain unpublished, also on a daily basis.


Whether this is because of the Newsbiscuit VAR machine, good taste or for completely biased editorial reasons, scientists can’t say for sure due to Russian hackers refusing to share their data.


ENJOY


Ye Merry Newsbiscuit Editorial Team



First published 25 Dec 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















bottom of page