'We found the notes stuck inside the patient files, with all the important pages removed and just yellow sticker saying "pay £15Billion or you will never get Billy Jones' results back",' said an NHS security consultant today. 'There must have been thousands of files with the notes removed. Not all mentioned Billy, obvs.'
His colleague working across the desk on 111 cyber security confirmed that the back-up floppy disc had been 'waved over a magnet or something' and had the all-telling post-it note attached. 'We'd send everyone an email if we had an IT system,' said the consultant, 'and when I went to the semaphore cupboard to implement our fallback system, both flags had post-it notes on - totally unusable.'