Ambitious young Tories vie to be next leader but one

Amidst the hoopla of the Tory leadership competition, details emerged today of a secret competition going on in the background to be the next leader but one.

'Seriously, who'd want to become leader now?' said a floppy-haired young man from a public school background, who for the first time in his life wished to remain anonymous. 'Whichever poor sod wins will get rinsed at the next election and resign in disgrace. That's when the real competition starts.'

'Exactly,' said a young woman from an ethnic minority, but still the same public school background. 'Though I must admit, when I see Starmer cutting winter fuel payments to pensioners, accepting freebies from billionaires and confusing hostages with sausages, I do wonder if we might have a chance.

'Then I remember Rishi leaving D-Day early, and pretty much everything Liz Truss ever said or did, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid. No, I'll let someone else take the fall in 2029, then campaign to replace them.

'At this point, I think I'd rather be the next leader of Hezbollah than the Tories,' she quipped, prompting a furious reaction from Hezbollah denying that the two organisations were in any way alike.

Image: WixAI

Slowly lowered banner of Liz Truss causes lettuce to flounce off stage

A lettuce attempting to promote its vacuous new book 10 Days 'Til The Rocket Goes Off was rudely mocked when a banner of Liz Truss slowly unfurled behind it.

'I should have the freedom to be in any manky salad I like,' sulked the lettuce, before exiting stage left, pursued by a giant rabbit.

But having more nous than a former short-tolerated leader of the UK, the lettuce returned, recognising that self-promotion is what it's all about. 'I suppose you've done me a great favour. Otherwise, this event wouldn't have been even a blip on anyone's radar. Thank you.'

Showing a modicum of character and displaying considerably more backbone than the amateur economy crasher, the lettuce continued, 'If you can't laugh at yourself, then you really shouldn't be in this game, right?

'Now, as I was saying, let me tell you about the time I outlasted - and indeed outperformed - a Prime Minister...'

Image: Pixabay/BLACK17BG

"See how much better it was under Tories?", insists liar

As the U.K saw sustained rioting and extremist violence over the weekend, mentally underpowered political pundits have sought to erroneously remind the nation how much better things were under the previous government with one quoted as saying "Sure, almost every metric for measuring quality of life saw a significant drop under Tory rule, but at least there wasn't rioting!"

In response, John Forshaw, along with almost everyone else who could mentally form accurate memories, advised "If you ignore the many riots that took place during Conservative's tenure, they raise a good point." 

Forshaw continued "If you use you hippocampus, you might also recall 14 years of near constant crotch-ups, humiliations both national and international along with a denseness of stupidity so over-whelming it almost caused the nation to collapse in on itself like like a black hole, albeit a black hole that couldn't be trusted with money."

Forshaw added "Obviously the current sustained campaign of fear and intimidation is not ideal, but if we just treat the rioters like 6 year olds they'll punch themselves out, eventually."

"Then like any crabby six year old, they go on the naughty step, which in this analogy is one of His Majesty's high security prisons."

Forshaw added "Then we can get back to Labour's relentlessly underwhelming leadership as opposed to the Tory's outright malicious rule."

Image: Pixabay/aitoff