Government denies putting sharks in Channel is part of anti-migrant policy

"Putting hundreds of killer sharks between England and France shows our commitment to biodiversity and protecting vulnerable species", DEFRA spokesman Bryan Mackenzie has insisted. He explains that it is part of "resetting the ecological balance" in British waters. The fact that the sharks can smell a dinghy full of asylum seekers from five miles away never even occurred to the ministers who planned this move, he claims.

"It could also bring much-needed movie revenue to the south of England", he adds. "Any Hollywood producer who wants to set Jaws V on the Kent coast will have a cast of terrifying predator sharks ready and waiting. He might even snatch some real-life footage of someone being chewed up by one of them - although we sincerely hope it won't be a migrant, of course".

The first batch of the bloodthirsty fish were released at Dover today. "Within a month 500 of these chaps will be patrolling - sorry, I mean swimming and frolicking in - the English Channel", Mr Mackenzie promised.

Meanwhile, he brushed off concerns that the sharks have been fed on special migrant-flavoured snacks while in captivity.

Image:Pixabay/PIRO4D

When the Vote Comes in

Come here, my little Mikey

I’ve smoked my wacky baccy

Let’s have a line of cracky

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We shall have our wishy when the vote comes in

If you have a wishy

For the little Rishi

He will seem a little fishy

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We shall have our wishy when the vote comes in

Here’s the lady Mordaunt

Carrying her sword on

Might supersede the morons

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We have got our wishy now the vote’s come in

image: Pixabay/mounsey

Horrified Tories realise how much work is needed to rebuild

Local Conservative associations are becoming very anxious about the work that will be needed to rebuild the party after certain election defeat.

Colin Himmler, 62, is chair of the Conservative Association for Nether Moor, in Yorkshire. He is the youngest member of the board of trustees, which has an average age of 82.  He is aghast at the work that will be needed to rebuild.

‘If we are wiped out in the general election – and that’s a small if, not a big one – then we will have difficult choices about rebuilding. The worst option is what I call the ‘Lib Dem’ route. This involves contesting council elections, working hard for constituents, talking to residents, sitting on committees, solving problems, and dealing with potholes, dog mess, anti-social behaviour, fly-tipping and all sorts.  We prove ourselves at local level so that we can look credible again at national level.

‘But the sheer graft - of dealing with all the phone calls, twatter posts, emails, and protests sprayed onto the building - is horrifying.  We can’t support that.  We will have to write newsletters and blogs to explain what great work we’ve done. The hardest part about that will be doing the work in the first place!  None of our members signed up for grunt work.  They make their donations so that we can pay someone else in to do the work.

‘Actually doing work for constituents will require a complete change of the criteria we apply when looking for candidates. Usually we just ask to see copy bank statements, and then ask how much of that they are prepared to donate.   Now we will have to look for alien things like commitment, a work-ethic, belief.  We have no idea how to attract people with those skills.

Colin sighs.  ‘It’s a generation thing.   Our supporters are either dying off or crying off to Reform.  No-one young wants to join.   This is – apparently – because our TikTok’s are ‘totally lame’.  So we are seriously considering cryogenics.   We plan to freeze ourselves for eighty years after which we will be defrosted for another try at election success.   

'It seems to have worked for Nigel Farage.’

Image: Pixabay/aitoff