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Horrified Tories realise how much work is needed to rebuild

Local Conservative associations are becoming very anxious about the work that will be needed to rebuild the party after certain election defeat.

Colin Himmler, 62, is chair of the Conservative Association for Nether Moor, in Yorkshire. He is the youngest member of the board of trustees, which has an average age of 82.  He is aghast at the work that will be needed to rebuild.

‘If we are wiped out in the general election – and that’s a small if, not a big one – then we will have difficult choices about rebuilding. The worst option is what I call the ‘Lib Dem’ route. This involves contesting council elections, working hard for constituents, talking to residents, sitting on committees, solving problems, and dealing with potholes, dog mess, anti-social behaviour, fly-tipping and all sorts.  We prove ourselves at local level so that we can look credible again at national level.

‘But the sheer graft - of dealing with all the phone calls, twatter posts, emails, and protests sprayed onto the building - is horrifying.  We can’t support that.  We will have to write newsletters and blogs to explain what great work we’ve done. The hardest part about that will be doing the work in the first place!  None of our members signed up for grunt work.  They make their donations so that we can pay someone else in to do the work.

‘Actually doing work for constituents will require a complete change of the criteria we apply when looking for candidates. Usually we just ask to see copy bank statements, and then ask how much of that they are prepared to donate.   Now we will have to look for alien things like commitment, a work-ethic, belief.  We have no idea how to attract people with those skills.

Colin sighs.  ‘It’s a generation thing.   Our supporters are either dying off or crying off to Reform.  No-one young wants to join.   This is – apparently – because our TikTok’s are ‘totally lame’.  So we are seriously considering cryogenics.   We plan to freeze ourselves for eighty years after which we will be defrosted for another try at election success.   

'It seems to have worked for Nigel Farage.’

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