Government operationalises the word operationalise

The UK government has promised loyal voters and other instantaneously flammable backbenchers that it will operationalise the word operationalise in the next 10-12 weeks.

'It represents excellent taxpayer value for money to operationalise words, and this particular operationalisation of a word has only cost £600 million so far. This is a government which delivers on its promises and always does what it says it is going to do. In terms of terms.

'And we are going much further. An increase in the defence budget to 2.5% of GDP means that we will be able to spend £64 billion on delivering our pledge to weaponize the word weaponize.'

Image: Pixabay/stevepb

Take back control of our borders? The UK can't even control its Irish boundary line

The paradox of the Rwanda plan is that claiming it's a successful deterrent requires admission that a frictionless border with Ireland only works when the UK is in the EU.

'We told them many times,' sighed Elsa van Roest, EU head of stating the bleedin' obvious to the Brits. 'We even said it in plain English so that they might understand. Perhaps we should have used Cockney rhyming slang? Brexit meant that the Irish border would unavoidably become a backdoor between the UK and the EU. I would say inescapably instead of unavoidably, but now that the UK has... erm... misplaced several thousand asylum seekers, inescapable seems inappropriate.

'Like a flock of sheep accidentally transferred to Battersea Dogs Home, the UK has totally lost control of its borders. Collies everywhere. Now this whole mess has set the Irish off again, but I shall refrain from making more doggy puns about Irish setters.

'And we can't really understand what the British government is trying to achieve within its own borders. Asylum seekers who were actively presenting at Home Office facilities have decided not to bother any more. They are now effectively absorbed into the UK community, which is odd as that seemed to be precisely the opposite outcome to what racists were demanding.

'It's not all bad news, of course. Now that Scotland has also collapsed into disarray, we look forward to welcoming a relatively strong and stable Rwanda to the EU. I know this must be true because UK law says it is.'

Image: Pixabay/pixaline

Tories told to embrace opportunities of Pexit

Several Conservative MPs have been encouraged to explore the many opportunities offered by leaving Parliament.

Mr Rees-Mogg said, "We spend 80,000 guineas a year on an MP, that would be better spent on the NHS; imagine how many leeches that could pay for?"

"I can't see any downsides to Pexit", said David Davies, "Only considerable upsides. I'm planning to offer my services as a consultant. I'm assuming I'll still receive my salary and can continue to use my Westminster Office after I leave parliament?"

Image: Pixabay/publicdomainpictures