Government to legislate against raised eyebrows

With the right to hold a peaceful protest legislated against successfully, and with personal freedoms trampled on with impunity, the government has proposed its most far-reaching raft of laws to limit public discourse. 

'We are going to make raising a single eyebrow in a show of scepticism illegal,' said a government spokesman today.  'For too long the public have been raising a single eyebrow which deputises for "oh, really?", and undermines the purpose of the government which is to - er - govern and leverage as much money out of the system as possible,' he added.

Maverick members of the public are determined to get around the ban by learning how to wiggle their ears and raise their top lip Elvis-style. 

'Or, we could just vote the w@ankers out of public life,' suggested approximately forty million registered voters.  

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin

Advice from the National Cyber Security Centre may have compromised PM’s passwords

In a blogpost made in 2021, the National Cyber Security Centre advised that three random words can provide the most effective login password to defeat hackers.

Newsbiscuit has learned through leaked documents, that it appears that unaccountably, government ministers were revealing their three-word passwords in the three-word slogans they adorned their lecterns with.

Cyber security experts are likely to be spending the rest of the year trying to establish how many times Rishi Sunak’s STOPTHEBOATS password was breached by Russian and Chinese spies, but think a parody lectern used in Newsbiscuit cartoons with slogans such as STOP THE VOTES may have helped as a distraction and be seen in time as equally valuable as the efforts made in WW2 by the Special Operations Executive (SOE).

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Rishi insists Tories ‘stick with the plan’ for national impoverishment

Like a stuck record, Rishi Sunak today repeated his latest mantra that the Tories need to ‘stick with the plan’ when faced with impending electoral oblivion.

When pressed on what exactly the ‘plan’ was, the Conservative Government boldly pointed to their 'five point plan' and key achievements:

1 - Leaving almost everyone poorer than they were when the Tories came to power.

2 - Destroying Britain's post-war relationship with Europe and introducing extra tariffs, costs and travel disruption for no reason at all, other than not liking Johnny Foreigner.

3 - Sowing needless discord and division with confected race wars, because we think there might be some votes in racist bigotry.

4 - Undermining the National Health Service to the point of collapse, because we just don’t like ‘socialist’ ideas like free health care for all.

5 - Leaving housing unaffordable for everyone but the very wealthiest Tory donors.

A spokesman went on to boast:

‘When you look at these metrics, there is no question that the Tories have outperformed expectations over the past 14 years. We really have made exceptional progress in destroying the economic and social fabric of the country. But that is not all – oh no, we are now planning to take our plan much further. The Prime Minister is full of bold and innovative ideas for the future, liking making everyone learn maths until they are 65 and making it compulsory to wear trousers that are far too short, so then everyone can look like a gormless dork – not just the PM .’

Image:Pixabay/aitoff