Pontius Pilate outlines banned groups

Roman Governor Pilate confirmed today he will no longer talk to the following groups, ahead of next week’s Passover celebrations:

• Anyone against the occupation of Judea by foreign troops

• Any person who has overturned - or is planning to overturn - money lenders’ tables in the temple

• Anyone else who feels first century capitalism might perhaps need some reform

• That bloke campaigning for reduction in hypocrisy amongst religious and temporal leaders, world peace and equality for all. Can’t remember his name.

Mr Pilate confirmed from now on he would only be interviewed by people who agree “at least 90% with everything I believe”. ‘What works for clever-old me should work for everyone’ said Pilate. ‘Doesn’t matter whether it’s schools or the civil service. If you’re not smart or rich enough to do well in my systems, well, blame whatever god you happen to believe in. It’s not my fault.’

A spokeswoman for Jesus said ‘While we are disappointed to be outlawed, persecuted and facing almost certain death, it won’t be in vain. Two thousand years from now there shall a Gove from Scotland come forth, and, as Jesus’ loyal servant, will keep all His commandments. Although the Gove will also somehow agree 100% with Pilate’s approach. And stop the boats, whatever that means. Don’t ask me. I’m only the prophet, not the interpreter. ‘

Image:Pixabay/Airgilstudio

Tories on donor's £10m, "It's all gone."

Rishi Sunak has tried to explain why he has no intention of returning the £10m party contribution from a donor who has been accused of expressing extreme racist views, "Honestly, as the man in the street knows, we'd love to return the money. But quite frankly, we can't. We don't have it any more. We spent it."

"The £10m was what funded major initiatives, like the Downing Street lockdown drinks parties, lots of helicopter flights of 20-30 minutes duration, significant electrical distribution infrastructure in North Yorkshire, and one of our MP's continuing prodigious coke habit.

"And as for the rest, well even we would admit we kind of frittered it.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Tories take Islamophobia 'extremely seriously'

Senior Tory MPs have claimed to be working extremely hard on Islamophobia.

One said 'There's no shortcut to success. I've spent 10,000 hours hating Muslims thanks to a solid diet of Daily Mail and Express articles. Sometimes even the comments sections. Now I'm not just a bigot, I'm a world class bigot!'

A second chimed in 'The only manufacturing sector we want to encourage is outrage. My constituency is a no-go area with Sharia law. Well, there might be a kebab shop opening anyway. And the area's racial make up is whiter than a Klan rally.'

A third stared into the distance before slamming his drink down dramatically. He growled 'I've served in the Culture Wars. Seen things you civilians can't imagine. Whipping people into a frenzy of irrational Islamophobia is the Conservatives only hope of winning the next election! '

Image: Pixabay/aitoff