Bureau of Missing Countries set up

With Lee Anderson becoming the latest politician declaring he wants to "get his country back", it has been decided to set up a Bureau of Missing Countries to investigate exactly where all these elusive nations might have got to.

As the BMC's first client, Anderson was asked if he could describe the missing country. He confirmed that all the men had a "short back and sides" haircut, pop music had "proper tunes", people always stood for the national anthem, the air smelled permanently of Bisto, teenagers showed the proper respect, public services were well-funded despite taxes being low, there were no vegetarians to disrupt the traditional Sunday lunch with their "silly fads", and of course everyone was white.

Asked when he last saw this country, he said he'd briefly glimpsed it a few Sundays ago after lunch, while dozing in front of Miss Marple on the telly.

The bureau replied that they weren't sure this country had ever existed, but reassured him they'd certainly keep an eye out for it, and asked him which golf club bar he'd be propping up if they had any news.

In response to several enquires, they said they unfortunately couldn't help anyone who wanted to make their country great again, beyond suggesting that dropping everything else in their political programme might be a good start.

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Monopolies Commission 'concerned' about next election

Polling appears to suggest that Labour are on target to gain at least 105% of the seats in Parliament, given a Standard Deviant score of three MPs per constituency. The Monopolies Commission, which has for decades argued against an alternative commission to monitor monopolistic agencies, believes that other parties should be given a chance.

'People seem to be concerned about Green issues, but the Green MP voter seems likely to be halved,' said a Monopolies Commission spokesman today, admitting that half an MP is unusual.  'The Liberal Democrats will be lucky to get a quarter of a seat, according to National polls,' the spokesperson said. adding, 'and the Conservatives are looking at getting fuck all squared. Seems to be about right, but we are concerned about the Greens,' the spokesperson said.   

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Magic Money Tree found in Cayman Islands

After searching high and low, for all of two minutes, Labour and Conservative MPs agreed there was no money to help the poor. Yet a cursory inspection of their expenses claims, would suggest that the Magic Money tree is alive and well, and forming a forest the size of Wales.

Said one tax inspector: 'If you want to find a tree, you should start with people who own a 50 acre garden. Very few trees in a council tenement building. Very little Magic there either. Not unless you count the mushrooms. In reality, Magic Trees are much more likely to be discovered in Magic Offshore Accounts, alongside Magic Tax Avoidance and Magic Photos of Jeffery Epstein.'

Asked about the huge pile of money, shaped like a tree, sitting in his own bank account, a spokesman for Keir Starmer said: 'Oh, that tree? I never noticed it before. That's not a tree, it's a very large shrub. Easy mistake to make. And those big wads of cash? Those are donations to ensure we won't introduce a rich tax. So technically not money, more of a bribe. Magic, huh?'

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