Tory MPs to receive training in fumblebragging

Not satisfied with the plain old humblebrag, Conservative MPs are being coached to level down their game to a new low.

'Senior government ministers can be trained to do even less,' said Georgina Long, a presentation coach earning £800 an hour tax-free from taxpayer money to make an ineffective Cabinet even more destructive.

'Why stop at humblebragging, when one can also incorporate a colossal self-evident cock-up in the form of a fumblebrag? The entire Civil Service is now completely dedicated to covering for the hideous nonsense politicians do and say instead of making things work, so this is the future of high-level government personnel coaching.

'For example, where a Chancellor might've said that they are just a down-to-earth chap of the people who slums it in diamond-encrusted sliders, what they should be saying is that they are just a down-to-earth chap of the people slumming it in diamond-encrusted sliders who has also just blown the national disability budget on aid to off-shore palace owners.

'Do you see?

'Now come on Prime Minister, you can do this. Repeat after me... I'm just a boy in front of an electorate asking it if my testicles are banging it in the chin too hard WHILE I tax small boats for not being big luxury yachts channelling non-dom chums into lucrative directorships...'

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Chancellor’s ingenious plan to ‘get Britain moving’

The Chancellor has surprised his critics with a budget themed on ‘turbo-charging Britain’ and ‘getting Britain moving’.

The Chancellor has found an ingenious way to instantly boost the economy by 10% at virtually no cost. This is achieved by raising all 20mph speed limits by 10%, to 22mph. This bold and innovative move will speed up the movement of supplies to factories, finished products to shops, and will speed up consumers’ journeys to and from the shops. Indeed, all economic sectors will benefit.

Economists agree that the move will definitely boost productivity – but probably not by a full 10% as some speed limits will remain unchanged. Experts are forecasting the actual boost to be between 0.003% and 8.191919%. Tory strategists believe that the new policy will be particularly popular in Wales and will lessen enthusiasm for Welsh independence.

The Labour Party was wrong-footed by this innovative plan and could only mutter about increasing road casualties, as 22mph impacts are slightly more serious than crashes at 20mph. Labour have not ruled out reversing the policy after the next election. George Galloway has complained that the initiative ‘does nothing for Gaza’.

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'Popular Conservatives' faction to split

The launch of Liz Truss's new Popular Conservatives faction has been marred by splitting into several new factions. As soon as the meeting finished David Frost announced the People's Popular Conservatives, Matthew Elliott said he was forming the Conservative Popular Front. Lee Anderson shouted that he was forming the F***ing Popular Conservatives and Jacob Rees-Mogg said he was launching the Right People's Popular Conservatives.

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