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With yet more named and as yet to be revealed Tory MPs accused of sexual predatory practices, the Conservative Party has decided to simplify the naming of predators by changing the names of all its male MPs to Spartacus. Stenographers at Hansard are understood to be particularly pleased by the development as accusations in the House of Commons are likely to reach fever pitch in the coming days.


'Trying to keep up with the real names of the alleged offenders is likely to result in the occasional error, so referring to all male Tory MPs by the same name de-risks the situation - not for the victims obviously' a spokesperson for the stenographers said today.


A similar approach for referring to the likes of the Home Secretary, the former Home Secretary and Liz Truss is being mooted. 'There isn't a cinematic female equivalent to Spartacus available, at least until we can persuade Netflix to make a film titled 'Batshit Crazy Evil Woman',' said the spokesperson. 'Not bothered about the plot seeing as none of them could find it anyway,' she added.



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Tory MP Bob Stewart has been hailed as a hero by Newsbiscuit as he stepped forward to ensure the party was able to maintain its unblemished record of having a scandal for Newsbiscuit to report on for every day of the year.


Newsbiscuit’s political editor told colleagues on Friday “It was looking a bit grim for a while, after most Tories had been keeping their heads down after the revelations of the pandemic scandals, and on Friday there was nothing to publish other than my concern over whether we had enough cash in the petty cash tin to buy a tube of ointment to ease scratched bollocks. It really was that desperate trying to find a story to publish.”


Bob Stewart was convicted of racial abuse and given a £600 fine, along with being advised not to go near a deli counter in case he was mistaken for gammon and cut into slices.


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The government has added to its list of lifestyle choices it wants to stop, after successfully making providing flimsy shelter to homeless people in winter an offence. 


'Walking around London carrying placards expressing concern for people being bombed and shot is clearly a lifestyle choice, and therefore will be banned,' said a government spokesman. 


He listed drowning at sea as an acceptable lifestyle choice, while surviving drowning at sea as a clearly unacceptable lifestyle choice. 'We're not going to ban every lifestyle choice - we're not monsters,' he said.


'Well. maybe Suella is,' he added.


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