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In a chilling and perhaps portentous reminder, Home Secretary James Cleverly announced a 5 point plan to form a "protective ring" around immigrant health and care workers.



On announcing the measures he told the press conference that he would like cut annual immigration figures by 300,000 and stepping closer to the microphone said, "by any means necessary".



The measures are detailed as:


  • Ban health and care workers bringing family dependants, personal affects, memories, clothes, medical needs, aspirations to citizenship and shifty looks to the UK.

  • End companies being able to pay workers 20% less than the going rate for jobs on a shortage occupation list and insist they pay them 80% less and make them sleep onsite in what Mr Cleverly calls "Houses of Work". They will not be able to leave these houses until they have paid into the national coffers for 17 years.

  • Increase the annual charge foreign workers pay to use the NHS from £624 to £100,035 with a 60% surcharge going to national interests (The Conservative Party).

  • Raise the minimum income for family visas to £382,700 from £26,200, from next spring, all applicants will be assigned a cabinet member to work with on VIP, no question asked Government supply deals.

  • Ask the government's migration adviser to review the graduate visa route to "prevent foreigners learning too much".


Mr Cleverly has vowed to "do what is required of me by The Telegraph and The Mail" to bring down net migration and to fan the flames of the culture war.


Opposition leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has declined to comment until he hears what most people are saying.




With yet more named and as yet to be revealed Tory MPs accused of sexual predatory practices, the Conservative Party has decided to simplify the naming of predators by changing the names of all its male MPs to Spartacus. Stenographers at Hansard are understood to be particularly pleased by the development as accusations in the House of Commons are likely to reach fever pitch in the coming days.


'Trying to keep up with the real names of the alleged offenders is likely to result in the occasional error, so referring to all male Tory MPs by the same name de-risks the situation - not for the victims obviously' a spokesperson for the stenographers said today.


A similar approach for referring to the likes of the Home Secretary, the former Home Secretary and Liz Truss is being mooted. 'There isn't a cinematic female equivalent to Spartacus available, at least until we can persuade Netflix to make a film titled 'Batshit Crazy Evil Woman',' said the spokesperson. 'Not bothered about the plot seeing as none of them could find it anyway,' she added.




Tory MP Bob Stewart has been hailed as a hero by Newsbiscuit as he stepped forward to ensure the party was able to maintain its unblemished record of having a scandal for Newsbiscuit to report on for every day of the year.


Newsbiscuit’s political editor told colleagues on Friday “It was looking a bit grim for a while, after most Tories had been keeping their heads down after the revelations of the pandemic scandals, and on Friday there was nothing to publish other than my concern over whether we had enough cash in the petty cash tin to buy a tube of ointment to ease scratched bollocks. It really was that desperate trying to find a story to publish.”


Bob Stewart was convicted of racial abuse and given a £600 fine, along with being advised not to go near a deli counter in case he was mistaken for gammon and cut into slices.


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