Conservative party loses party whip

The entire parliamentary Conservative party has had the party whip removed.

"They all know what they've done.", explained a grim faced Craig Whittaker, former chief whip. "I don't think the party wants to be associated with any of them. Mr Whittaker is believed to be wrestling with the problem of who can restore the whip if they don't have any MPs.

Rishi Sunak, now an independent Prime Minister, was asked if he would consider standing again. "I am standing.", said an irritated Sunak.

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Politics a load of old goat's c*ck, confess Conservative politicians

Running the country is utter pants. So say the last five prime ministers.

'I thought it was going to be constant corruption, endless hobnobbing at exclusive balls, and a festival of sick sexual perversions,' said a recent former prime minister everyone has already forgotten the name of. No, not that one, the other one. 'But it was only about 93% that, and then there was other boring stuff which kept cropping up. National emergencies aren't really my bag,' added another talentless moron who also shirked their leadership responsibilities.'

'Frankly, this governmenting lark gets tedious after a few days. And pesky investigative journalists keep pointing out that you're not supposed to keep all the trappings of high office for yourself. Where's the chortle with chums in that?'

'Look, the bit where you get to dick about with the laws, that's a snigger and everything. But then some total square comes along in his silly judge wig and says that you're not allowed to break all of the laws you just made up. When did that become a thing?'

'I tell you, that Sir Keir Starmer Labour chappy is a crafty one. He sort of makes out like he wants to be PM, but he is so clever at ensuring there's no chance he'll get anywhere near the job. We're naffing stuck with it forever now, and no one in the Conservative Party wants to do it properly. Shall we just shut down the whole show and all move to Greece?'

Polling latest: Snowmen could form next government

In a blow to the Government, Yougov has announced that snowmen recently made in gardens up and down the country are more likely to be elected than most Conservative MPs.

Veteran MP, Peter Bone, reacted, but almost no one could understand what he was guffing on about. An interpreter of drivel had a crack, but this is the best she could do: 'This is ridiculous; since we left the EU, we've been enjoying continuous summer, so how could there be any snowmen in any case? If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the beach.'

Number 10 downplayed down the threat, saying, 'Carrots are expected to cost £28 each in January, so who'll be able to afford snowmen?'

Mr Gove's plan to open a new coalmine now looks like a spectacular own goal.