WWF place Conservative MPs on endangered species list

Despite a definite proclivity for procreation, Conservative MPs are believed to be seriously in decline.  While more than 300 are currently known to be in the wild, it is expected that within less than two years there may only be a handful left roaming the corridors of Westminster.  As a result the World Wildlife Fund has declared the Conservative MP to be an endangered species.

'Support the WWF and all the good work they do,' implored one of the few surviving Conservative MPs.  'Donate £3 a month to the WWF to help them continue to campaign and whatever else it is they do with the money.  If every voter in the land donated £3 a month to the WWF then they wouldn't need to run adverts with doe -eyed pandas ever again. Better still, donate it direct to the Conservative Party.  Yes, donate £3 a month to the Conservative Party, starting now.  Better still, make that £3 a day to the Conservative Party.  If every voter donated £3 to the Conservative Party I wouldn't have to worry about working ever again.  Better still, donate £3 a day to me, direct, in a brown envelope to save me worrying about tax,' he added.

A WWF spokesperson confirmed the endangered species element.  'No idea why they are becoming so rare,' he said.  

Image: Pixabay/aitoff

First published 26 May 2023

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Boris Johnson to renounce ‘human form’

Speaking to a packed room of journalists, the PM said he would run again but only in his natural reptilian shape. Mr. Johnson is not the first flesh-eating, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial to represent the Conservative Party, but he is the first not to defect to UKIP. As a member of the Illuminati, Mr. Johnson argued that he was well placed to promote a cold-blooded agenda and spelt out his intention to use the failed Thames Hub Airport as the ideal location to lay his eggs.

Footage has emerged from 1987 of Mr. Johnson and David Cameron, both Oxford undergraduates at the Bullingdon Club, dislocating their jaw bones and ‘downing’ a dozen live mice. An aide commented ‘His slow metabolism prevents him electioneering in the chilly north. And while he may have a smaller brain than your average mammal, that never stopped any politician before’.

First published 6 May 2022

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Tories! With effort, we can do worse!

Conservative insiders are disappointed that the party’s results are not as bad as they could have been.

'Kemi and the rest of the party has done everything possible to be utterly useless, but it seems that’s not enough for the voters.’ said a spokesperson. 'Third and fourth places aren’t good enough. We are fighting to be at the bottom of the vote. Ideally, we’d be just ahead of Count Binface – we do have some standards - but we’d accept last place with good grace.

'We are disappointed that a bunch of amateur ragamuffins and chancers can get a better result than professional, self-serving and venal ragamuffins and chancers.

'If the results had been worse, then we could have had another leadership election. We love doing those. It’s politics where the winner is more or less guaranteed to be from the Conservative party. And it’s lots more fun than doing constituency work, or being on select committees, or having to turn up in the House of Commons to be razzed by Keir Starmer.

'We will regroup, and we will reflect on what more we can do to piss off the voters. We will obviously be watering down our work in Parliament. Keir can do whatever he wants anyway – the media only cares about the USA and Donald Trump at the moment. And we need more millionaire backers – indolence and gross moral turpitude is just as costly as doing politics properly.

'We might just lie low and try to cook up a dodgy deal with Reform. We like Reform. We know what they’re thinking.’

Image: WixAI