Conservatives' clean break to be one of two architects of broken government

'We're looking to the future,' suggested a Conservative spokesman today, explaining that the next Prime Minister will be different from the last Prime Minister despite both supporting the last Prime Minister through thick and thin - mainly thick to be honest. 'Whoever wins the ballot will be different because until now they haven't had a chance to influence the way the country is run,' added the spokesman, who also admitted he'd previously been a gag writer for Nadine Dorries and really didn't know what that appendage in the middle of his arm was for. 'Pooping?' he asked.

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'Bloody leftie woke snowflake Royal Family' scream Conservatives

Staunch Conservatives are calling the Royal Family 'bloody leftie woke snowflakes' for not being completely behind their crackpot plot to pack pro-Brit people off to Rwanda.

Larry the Downing Street cat, who is now the only thing with a mouth making any sense anywhere near central government, said, 'It's a bit weird really. These Conservatives have been banging on for a couple of centuries about how fawningly royal loyal they are, and now they're suddenly livid with the royals for not being as psychotically vicious as they would currently like.

'It's not just that. Conservatives are supposed to be the party of not changing too much and keeping things nicely in a rut. And here they are tearing up traditions, shredding their own recent agreements, and splitting up the UK quicker than you can say 'Conservative and Unionist Party'.

'And only Conservatives can be trusted with the economy? Have you seen what they've done? Again? The economy is heading south quicker than Jacob Rees-Mogg can stuff his personal wealth anywhere but Britain. Frankly, I'm profoundly ashamed to be associated with this lot in any way. They have the patriotic Union Jack waving promise of a V2 rocket.

'It's all as topsy-turvy as getting me, a cat, in for the purpose of removing rats because I'm naturally predisposed to stalking and killing them, and then finding me licking rats affectionately and leaving them little love notes.'

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Chancellor sticks knife into 99% of population again because, well, it's just muscle memory reflex

During Wednesday's budget statement Rishi Sunak promised the nation that he had done absolutely everything to ensure absolutely everyone continues to be as fabulously wealthy as him.

In what is being called a masterstroke of fiscal policy which only the Conservative party has the economic understanding to conjure up, the Chancellor of the Exchequer pushed the event horizon boundaries of generosity. Regardless of economic status, every person in the UK is to receive a limp gherkin and two mouldy pickled onions.

Despite wide support and raucous cheers which sounded exactly like guffawing from the Tory back benches, the Institute for Fiscal Responsibility Yet Wholly Inappropriate Facial Expressions murmured something yawn. 'The Chancellor's new budgetary innovations won't be made available for two years, and beyond that each gherkin will be excruciatingly shat out over a period of twenty fiscal quarters.'

On a perkier note, the Office of Budget Actually Even More Crappy Than it Seems said that it quite liked the name Pishi Rishi had come up with for his economy revival plans. 'Most people won't bother considering the appalling numbers and just coo over it being called Eat Out at Food Banks to Help Out.'

Image: Pixabay: stevepb