Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'

One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:

‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'

‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’

‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'

'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu

Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first

Boris Johnson has told fleeing Ukranian refugees they would be able to enter the UK on a visa but only if they bid in an auction to play him at tennis and make donations to the Conservative party.

Mr Johnson said it was only fair that Ukranian refugees faced the same level of rigorous checks and balances that super rich Russian oligarchs faced when they first came to the UK.

Assessing the tennis skills of wealthy individuals wanting to become UK citizens had been a very effective way of establishing whether they were suitable or not. Other ways of assessing a persons character include a game of bridge with a Tory peer and attending a gymkhana event at your local pony club.

The PM said the plight of Ukranians fleeing their country was of great concern to the UK but they had to show just how serious they were about wanting to escape the threat of Russian bombs.

‘And what better way to show how desperate you are to escape death than to make a huge donation to the Conservative party’ said the PM ‘it shows a willingness to fit in.

And as a goodwill gesture to our Ukrainian friends we won’t be asking the women and children to establish their source of wealth’.

Image: Pixabay/hansmarkutt

Runners and Riders in the 10 Downing St Boris Johnson Memorial Stakes

With David Davis firing the starting gun last week in Boris Johnson's face, here is the form guide to the motley selection of reprobates seeking to be first to the finish line and become Prime Minister and leader of the Conservative Party. There are plenty of nags who think they are the favourite, but in our opinion the field is wide open:

Alexander De Pfeffel, 2-1 on: very different from the current leader, switches horse every furlong or so, rides in changing colours throughout, claims to 'get it done' but has tendency to run in completely the wrong direction and fall straight out of the gate. Likes the going soft - no, even softer than that - unfavoured by the Queen's stable. Yet, astonishingly, odds on favourite.

No one Told me I'm a C*@nt, 1-1 (favourite): Thrives on the gullibility of other runners. Full steward's inquiry launched.

Dishy Rishi, 4-1: Good teeth and a luxuriant mane, but despite his expensive stable it remains to be seen whether this horse can keep up the pace he set over the first furlough in the 2020 Lockdown Challenge Cup.

Truss Me On This, 9-2: Lively filly who shows signs of sharing the 2019 winner Bonkin' Bojo's interest in breeding. Older male punters might fancy a flutter on her, but others might think this one is a bit lightweight.

Pitiless Priti Lass, 10-1: Likes the going rough. Could scare off some of the other riders, but also some of the punters. Might be in with a shot if her plan to deport all the rest of the field comes off.

Gove Actually, 5-1: his swivel eyes and habit of veering all over the track while stabbing other runners in the back could see him in with a chance, if the punters can tolerate that kind of behaviour.

Mogg the Jake, 10-1: out of The Times by The Cayman Islands, this is another product of the Eton stables. Flashes of promise in the Brexit Stakes undermined by tendency to just lie down and go to sleep in unexpected places, and consistently run 200 years behind the rest of the world. On the plus side, understands the racing world's archaic system of guineas, hundredweights and stable slaves better than any other contender.

Follow the Science, 789,000-1: Full of promise but tragically inclined to deviate from the course at a moments notice or fall at the final fence.

Graylings Failings 500-1 - hoping for a better outing than last time, when he turned up to the 330 steeplechase at Chepstow after being entered in the 1215 flat race at Sandown. Ended up finishing 12th in a field of 7.

Hancock's Half Chance - 66-1 Quiet recently after a televised gallop with a filly in a Westminster meeting last year. Known to favour sharing nosebag spoils with as many stablemates as he can.

Javs Jabs - benefitted from being stabled with Boosters Millions in last 6 months. 30 million outings, still seeing some refusals though. Looks more confident when running alongside Whitty's Wish and Vallence's Lad.

Raab He Burns, 20-1: despite being the only Dominic that 2019's winner is still on speaking terms with, this one is a rank outsider, not likely to turn up to the correct venue or even be aware that the race is on.

Stewart's Inquiry, 100-1: technically ineligible to enter the race due to not currently being an MP, this horse still has its fans and has proved it's staying power, even if it mostly goes at walking pace rather than running. Doesn't suffer from frothing at the mouth as much as many of the other contenders, which in this particular race is a disadvantage.

Nosebag Full of Merlot, 10-1: Always slow and unsteady out the gate. Liable to claim the race is a work event at some point and prior to reaching the finish line.

Ghost of Thatcher, 2-1: forever haunting the other runners, this remains the punters' favourite, despite the technical difficulties involved in summoning the spirits of the dead and the impossibility of weighing in an incorporeal phantom.

Finally, bad news for many who put their money on the bookies' first favourite, Larry the Downing Street cat. Larry has withdrawn from the race, now that Dominic Cummings has revealed that Larry neglected his duties in lockdown, just sleeping and licking his arse while a gang of rats partied in the garden.

Contributions from Sir Lupus, SteveB, Chrisf, Frank Optional and oshaughnessy

Image: Pixabay/macayran