Queen apologises for not bringing One's own booze

In a surprise announcement today a spokesperson for the Queen admitted she responded to the BYOB email sent from Downing Street on the eve of Prince Philip's funeral. 'To be honest, all One wanted to do was get shit-faced,' said the statement. 'One's courtiers were keeping a distance, several were in isolation and one, who has since been dismissed, was on a ventilator without permission. One had a tough gig in the morning in Westminster Abbey and the invite came at the right time'.

'One searched the Royal fridge for some Stella or Sambuca. It seemed Philip polished off the Stella before going downhill and One hadn't been to Asda to replenish. Unfortunately there was only a third of a bottle of Sambuca left and One polished it off before One's Uber arrived, so One arrived at Downing Street empty handed. One's bad. Anyway One found that the Downing Street crew had popped to Bargain Booze with a suitcase so One didn't need to bring anything after all.

'Long story short, One was left hanging off the Downing Street railings at five in the morning, cue return Uber, home, shit and shower and then One sat in a quiet dark spot in Westminster Abbey on One's own. To be fair, One needed the peace and quiet.

Images: Pixabay/Baralous

First published 16 Jan 2022

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Laura Kuenssberg accused of being too lenient on Labour

Conservative MPs past and present have rounded on the BBCs political correspondent who they believe has been treating Labour too lightly lately.

'She didn't press the Prime Minister on how many after dinner mints he was given at the last meal he had,' said one Tory MP.  'Sure, she mentioned he'd had some football tickets to matches he'd already paid to see, but she didn't ask if he paid for the programme,' he thundered while denying his own paid-for attendance at a Premier League team for the last four seasons was grift but instead was 'research into the sporting opportunities for constituents' admitting that the team in question was one hundred miles from his constituency.

'She didn't go in hard enough over that caravan holiday in West Wales,' shouted another MP, who denied his fully paid-for holidays in Mustique with all food and drink thrown in was comparable.  'I was effectively trapped on the island every bloody time they sent me there - Starmer could have just hitched the caravan up and gone to a different location any time he wanted,' he alleged.  'And did he pay for the towing bracket?  She didn't ask that either,' he said.

A BBC spokesman denied Ms Kuenssberg was going soft on Labour after fourteen years of slapping Conservative MPs on the back and publicly bigging them up.  'Someone had to boost their ego, otherwise they would have been left with only the Daily Mail, The Sun, GB News and Talk TV,' he said.

image from pixabay

List of projects Reeves will axe to plug budget black hole announced

The chancellor is set to announce immediate cuts worth billions of pounds, aimed at plugging a £20bn black hole in the finances, when she addresses Parliament on Monday. These include:

1. The Eton Mess Memorial Museum, set up by the Conservatives to celebrate the country's favourite dessert.

2. The Tunnel under Boris Johnson, planned to relieve pressure on the National Monument, is one of the infrastructure projects that could be halted to save money.

3. The Rwanda Migration scheme could be adapted to send Tory MPs who lost their seats for a few weeks break on Michelle Mone's Mediterranean yacht before they have to find new jobs.

4. Rishi Sunak's swimming pool will be turned into a new reservoir to provide clean drinking water to the whole country.

The Conservative Party said the state of the public finances was clear before the election. This is at least one thing on which everyone agrees.

image from pixabay