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With news that the Altar Stones, previously believed to have originated 'just across the border' in mid Wales have actually come from North East Scotland, many archaeologists are trying to work out how the stones, weighing several tonnes, were transported. Brendan, an ardent anti-vaxxer, believes he knows how they did it.


'For starters they didn't weight several tonnes back then,' he said today, 'the metric system is a false way of measuring stuff like large stones and didn't exist back then. The Neolithics didn't even have pounds and ounces and weren't taken in by 'weighist' propaganda,' he insisted.


'Also, although the route looks difficult, taking in the Grampian Hills and the Pennines it is worth noting there aren't any maps from that period showing the existence of these hills. It's clearly a conspiracy by the Ordnance Survey to make Britain, and by extension the planet, to not look flat,' he insisted.


'But honestly, why would anyone bother carrying the stones that distance when the obviously cyclical nature of sea levels suggests most of what we call the UK was underwater back then - show me a map that contradicts that fact - and the good stone movers merely floated the stones to Wiltshire, dammed the local rivers to raise the water level on the Stonehenge site and floated the stones to the top of the vertical supports. Show me one piece of evidence that contradicts this I say,' he added.


Brendan, who doesn't belief Covid is a thing, that JFK was killed by a lone gunman or that man has set foot on the moon also doesn't believe in Liz Truss. 'No way she was Prime Minister, what kind of fool do you take me for?' he asked.


Image: Wix AI

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'Typical load of cobblers' a spokesman for the Palace stated. 'Probably concocted by some wretched republican halfwit.  The originator of this outrageous theory is liable to charge of treason, and imprisonment in The Tower.'


Slightly more credible is another conspiracy theory, which accepts that the Queen, obviously, did do the jump (she wasn't the kind of person who would duck out of a challenge, or willingly participate in any kind of deception) but that a stuntman had to take the place of Daniel 'James Bond' Craig. This was because the film company's insurers weren't prepared to underwrite the risk of exposing such a valuable actor to that degree of danger.


A member of the late queen's household later revealed that, in private, Her Majesty had subsequently described the event as 'A bit of a doddle, really.  It wasn't as if it was even pissing down with rain or anything.  I have a Prime Minister, remember, who can carry out any necessary public performances in the rain when needed.'



Picture credit: Wix AI

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