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Fears of conspiracy theories following Maxwell’s suicide

The US Department of Justice has issued a statement saying they “don’t want to hear a whole load of conspiracy theories” after Ghislaine Maxwell commits suicide this weekend.


“I know what you people are like - you go on the internet, find a blogpost casting doubt on the official version of events, and the whole thing spirals from there.


“But I don’t want to see that happening this weekend after Ghislaine Maxwell’s found dead in her cell. It’s suicide, plain and simple… or will be, I should say. So don’t go getting yourselves and other people all worked up over nothing.”


The spokesman went on to complain he told them not to do it at the weekend, as people just have too much free time to gossip and speculate, but no one listens to him.


Asked whether the whole thing wasn’t just a bit too much like Jeffrey Epstein, he replied “No, not at all - this time we’ll get the ligature marks at the right angle.”


image from pixabay


"Something's going on" confirms conspiracy theorist

A tinfoil hatter, known only by his avatar 'Mani', has confirmed that a thing is "a bit odd."


"Not heard a word on this", he said vaguely gesturing in an imprecise direction. "Weird it's not 'out there.'"


Asked what he was talking about, he said "Exactly! I smell a rat!"


"I thought it was fine," said normal person, Norman Normington, "But now that some internet crank has cast unsupported aspersions about it, I now see it's suspicious, whatever it is."


"Merely a heads-up...but don't be surprised if you don't hear from me again, Oh no! They're here! Beeeeeeeeeeep," wrote Mani on twitter.


His mum has checked his room and he's fine.



Hat-tip ashbery (or is it?)



Assisted Suicide to be combined with Epstein Witness List


A Minister explained that this was a clear cost saving: 'Rather than an expensive termination, we will outsource the work to the security services. They've an established track record of providing quick and painless deaths – look what they did to the BBC's reputation.'


He allayed concerns that the NHS would be replaced by an American provider such as the CIA, insisting the whole operation would be British – a cross between James Bond and Harold Shipman. 'It also injects a sense of surprise to your ending. You might be dying of cancer, but MI5 could make it look like a mysterious car accident or that you were bitten by a exotic snake. You'll get an untraceable death and beforehand you'll get to sleep with a Royal of your choice. What's not to like?'


While there is a waiting list for the new service, he said patients could get fast-tracked: 'Just by hinting that Bill Gates had grabbed their boob.'


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