NASA has denied claims that the last surviving Apollo 7 astronaut is alive and well and living with Elvis and Michael Jackson in a condo in Palm Springs. Walter Cunningham, the first orbiting astronaut to sing ‘Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy’ while off his tits on acid, was forced to deny allegations that he isn’t dead.
Conspiracy nut spokesperson, Buddy Marylou Dingus Jnr III, told NewsBiscuit: ‘We have photographic evidence that astronauts are not real. If you look closely, you can see they’re made of cardboard. Them thar rootin-tootin sy-an-tists don’t know shit nor nuthin, and I got me a gun.’
The Apollo 7 crew were the first men to successfully dock and rendezvous in space, but the film footage of this encounter has never been made public. It is believed to be kept in a brown paper bag in a locked drawer at Cape Kennedy and can only be viewed at very special parties.
A spokesman for His Majesty’s Government has confirmed that most of the shenanigans blighting the news are genuine cockups rather than any masterful conspiracy by the illuminati.
“We do have conspiracies”, he said. “But they’re pretty mundane really – leak budget details to our pals so they can short the pound, wreck the NHS so our pals can privatise it, install Worzel Gummidge’s sister in No 10 so we can Bring Back Boris - that sort of thing. The rest of it is genuine accidents.
“We had no idea that the mini-budget would be quite so devastating because we didn’t ask anybody first. We honestly don’t know what all the fuss is about foodbanks – they seem like really nice places to visit, if you like that sort of thing. All the people bleating about their mortgages should sell a couple of their rentals if they’re running low on funds”.
When asked about claims that Russian money had penetrated the Conservative Party, the spokesman looked evasive before issuing a firm “Nyet”. So that’s all right then.
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