Physicists agree statement to 'water down' Newton's Laws of Motion

Members of the Institute of Physics have agreed on a declaration, following a boozy and rather fractious lunch at The Ivy, that has been both hailed as historic and dismissed as weak. Here are the big takeaways:

In the first law, an object may be able to change its motion even if no force acts on it, providing the prevailing economic conditions support such a move.

In the second law, the force on an object will no longer be equal to its mass times its acceleration, but will be phased in over a period, to be agreed some time in future.

In the third law, when two objects interact, they apply forces to each other of equal magnitude and opposite direction but only if the larger object ,and all its allies, agree.

Politicians say the document did not go far enough for world leaders, who don't believe a word scientists say anyway.

Image: From Marwool (@frommarwool) | Unsplash Photo Community

Oil producing nations pledge to use ‘green’ methods for murders

We deeply regret the totally unsustainable way we used to cut up and dispose of the bodies of thse we have secretly murdered,’ said Usman X, a prominent figure in the middle east murder world.

‘The electric bones saw we used to dismember them were powered by mains electricity generated by fossil fuels. This must never happen again and we promise our embassies and government buildings round the world will all, by 2035, have solar power so  we can generate electricity for tasers, genital tortures and other methods of secret coercion and punishment, as well as for deniable murders.’

Usman X continued:; ‘Meanwhile, we still lead the world in sustainability where judicial punishment is involved. Head for head, (or more likely hand for hand)  severing, stoning,  beheading and whipping use far less energy than imprisonment, with its electric lights and heating, while hanging uses the benign and natural force of gravity to do its work, unlike the wasteful electric chair.’

Mr X said his organization was proud to do its bit to lessen the global impact of fossil fuels and he looked forward to a time when the former oil-producing nations shun oil completely and depend entirely on the income from novelty swimming pools and weird skyscrapers.

Photo by Zbynek Burival on Unsplash

Climate emergency upgraded from “meh” to “whatever”

Ministers and heads of state from all over the world, meeting in Dubai for the Conference Of the Parties to Obviate the Universal Threat (or Cop Out) 28 conference, have issued a statement upgrading the status of impending climate disaster from “meh” to “whatever”.

The statement was issued after a prolonged discussion as to whether future Cop Outs could be held somewhere a bit more fun. 

'Sure Dubai is great for shopping - I knew I shouldn'a brought the wife!” quipped one senior politician from a country with a huge carbon footprint. “And you can get a drink if you know the right people.'

'But it's so damn hot and there's no nightlife. Couldn’t we do it in Bangkok or somewhere next time?'

'Yeah, then you definitely won’t bring the wife!” laughed his colleague from another oil producing nation.

”I’m not saying we’ve had no fun at all,” he continued. “I’ve never laughed so hard as yesterday, when someone suggested politicians from neighbouring countries could share private jets when flying to these conferences.

”I mean, seriously - if we start applying the same rules to ourselves as we do to the little people, where will it end? Paying taxes?!?'

Photo by Headway on Unsplash