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COP26 ended by Patel raid for suspected foreigners

Updated: Jan 12, 2022


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Despite COP26 taking place in Scotland and it not being her patch, Home Secretary Priti Patel has led a raid on a Glasgow conference centre. Directing the charge into the main hall, a wide-eyed and moderately salivating Patel pointed at anyone not looking or sounding entirely British. Border Force officials operating completely within the remit of new 'buildings suspected of containing foreigners' laws rushed through parliament last week, set about the crowds like windmilling baton machines.


Some viewers were said to be 'horrified' and 'couldn't understand why delegates were not being bludgeoned on a basis of their clearly labelled lanyards stating which country they were form.'


One transfixed viewer commented, 'It was a total bloodbath. An army of Border Force tough guys set about the crowds like they were clubbing baby seals. It's probable some genuine Brits were caught up in it all, but that's their own fault for associating with those sorts.'


The raid was described by a Conservative Party spokes-toff as. 'Possibly not the best look for an international conference on saving the planet, but it should go down very well with Conservatives on the south coast. As long as they know unnecessary harm is being inflicted on suspected foreigners, then they are happy. And that's the most important thing here.'


Boris Johnson was claimed to have expressed surprise at the raid. 'I thought the Home Secretary was supposed to clean the house and make my dinner?'


In what was clearly an unpleasant atmosphere of choking smirkiness, events took an ironic turn when in the ensuing frenzy Priti Patel herself was accidentally deported.






COP26: 'Behold, for I am the saviour of the world' Johnson heard claim

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


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It has been claimed Boris Johnson has personally taken credit for saving the world from falling into the abyss following the underwhelming conclusion to the COP26 conference in Glasgow.


'I did it. It was all me, Doomsters and gloomsters say it's a bad result, but I simply say piffle and nonsense. Look, on an auspicious day like today, it's an amazing victory, one which would never have been won were it not for my amazing ability to get the job done.' a cock-a-hoop Mr Johnson was overheard boasting.


Mr Johnson’s spokesman explained: 'How did he do it? Well, once again he’s simply lying through his teeth, and as he told Alok: do the same if anyone asks any tricky questions. It's been a proven winning strategy.


'In a few weeks' time when the world realises just exactly what has been achieved, it will be too late. But significantly, the PM won't give two hoots, because you see, he'll have had the bounce from this in the popularity polls and the idiotic British electorate will think he’s fab again.


'Then all he need do is lie completely doggo for a couple of years, pop up again in time for the next general election; hide in a few fridges while on the campaign trail, speak to no one dangerous in the media, and simply tell massive whoppers one after another at rallies. That's certain to see him returned for a second term.'






COP26 delegates shocked as Planet Earth says “I don’t need saving."

Updated: Dec 24, 2021


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It’s been the overriding message of COP26 and all previous such gatherings that unless we all act quickly then our planet is doomed. “Not so.” says the Earth after taking to social media to refute any suggestion that it’s in any sort of danger at all.



It describes such talk as typical human hubris. “It’s true mankind might be in imminent danger of extinction, an event that can’t come soon enough as far as I’m concerned, but I shall be here for another few billion years yet. And nothing you smart arses do will change that.”



Asked about the threat of global warming, extreme weather, or nuclear winter, Earth’s response was a matter-of-fact, “Bring it on.” And concluded by saying, “I heard exactly the same thing from the bloody dinosaurs. Oooh no, the end of the world is nigh. I’ll admit that asteroid stung like hell for a few hundred years, but I’m still here, and they’re not.”






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