Updated: Jan 12
Despite COP26 taking place in Scotland and it not being her patch, Home Secretary Priti Patel has led a raid on a Glasgow conference centre. Directing the charge into the main hall, a wide-eyed and moderately salivating Patel pointed at anyone not looking or sounding entirely British. Border Force officials operating completely within the remit of new 'buildings suspected of containing foreigners' laws rushed through parliament last week, set about the crowds like windmilling baton machines.
Some viewers were said to be 'horrified' and 'couldn't understand why delegates were not being bludgeoned on a basis of their clearly labelled lanyards stating which country they were form.'
One transfixed viewer commented, 'It was a total bloodbath. An army of Border Force tough guys set about the crowds like they were clubbing baby seals. It's probable some genuine Brits were caught up in it all, but that's their own fault for associating with those sorts.'
The raid was described by a Conservative Party spokes-toff as. 'Possibly not the best look for an international conference on saving the planet, but it should go down very well with Conservatives on the south coast. As long as they know unnecessary harm is being inflicted on suspected foreigners, then they are happy. And that's the most important thing here.'
Boris Johnson was claimed to have expressed surprise at the raid. 'I thought the Home Secretary was supposed to clean the house and make my dinner?'
In what was clearly an unpleasant atmosphere of choking smirkiness, events took an ironic turn when in the ensuing frenzy Priti Patel herself was accidentally deported.