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Dominic Raab admits feeding a potential acid attacker to his pigs

Writer: Gary Stanton
Gary Stanton
Oct 20


Dominic Raab has revealed what he did with the body of someone who threatened to attack him.

The Deputy Prime Minister claims he received three “threats to life and limb” that have resulted in pre-emptive attacks launched by himself or with the help of Scotland Yard.

Raab told reporters, “I received very specific information about a planned acid attack. and so I decided to stake out the address of the suspect – a normal, respectable family man with three children, now orphans.”

“The threats were made to me personally and were quite graphic in their detail. He wasn’t so fucking cocky when I started smashing his door down with an axe.”

Raab then detailed how he abducted the individual with his trademark sneer before escorting him to his two-hundred acre Surrey estate.

Raab continued, “I don’t know whether you’ve ever tried to dispose of human remains, but pigs are terribly efficient at devouring what’s left of a terrorist after he’s been through a Biojack 300E – a machine primarily used for shredding timber.”

“Anyway, that’s where my twin porkers Hamble and Jemimah really came into their own.”

He added, “Anyone who’s ever taken lunch with Priti Patel in the Commons canteen will know what I’m talking about.”


First published 20 Oct 2021


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Splinter Group "Just Stop Growth" threatens Truss with direct action protests

Writer: RichT
RichT
Oct 7

Hardcore splinter group "Just Stop Growth" has threatened the Conservative Government over its pro-growth strategy.


The group, an extremist offshoot of the Anti Growth Coalition that was pilloried by the Prime Minister during her speech has a shadowy membership. Made up of a few raving lefties - it includes the likes of Corbyn, Ed Milliband and Theresa May - they are now attracting a whole new breed of protestor with rumours that Rishi, Michael Gove and even Priti Patel are on board.


'We're going in direct, physical and determined,' commented an anonymous member, meeting our reporter at a clandestine pheasant-shooting weekender in Surrey. 'You're talking continual banging of desks - potentially hours - at the 1922 committee. Abstaining from the subsidized commons bars. There's going to be a really clear message, we just aren't sure what it is yet.'


Asked about the potential collaboration with the even more extreme "Shrink Britain" affiliate, who model themselves on the equally pointless Insulate Britain but with a focus on either the economy or shrink-wrap, (they haven't decided yet), the response was luke warm. 'We're going to have a debate on it, then a couple of votes. Something might come out of it, but I think we need to travel around a bit - perhaps the Bahamas - to really feel and understand this whole shrinkflation idea.'


One thing was clear though - whatever the action plan, if it meant sitting on the M25 in the cold with only sandwiches and a flask of coffee, this was outside their remit - 'While we are in on the principle, you have to draw the line somewhere. We'll leave that side of it to the poor people, said the spokesman, before getting a refill of the Chateau la fete 1945.


Story: RichT




First published 7 Oct 2022


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Windrush monument ‘deported to Caribbean for having wrong paperwork’ confirms Patel

Writer: Gerontius
Gerontius
Jun 24


A special monument dedicated to the Windrush pioneers who arrived in Britain to start a new life over 50 years ago has been deported to the Caribbean just hours after being formally unveiled at London Waterloo station.


The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge joined members of the Windrush generation to mark the landmark occasion but were brushed aside by a team of Counter Terrorism Officers who cuffed the statue before bundling it into the back of an incident response vehicle and driving it off to the airport.


The £1m statue had only been in place for a matter of minutes before being hauled down and packed off to Jamaica ‘because yet again it had the wrong sort of paperwork’ confirmed a spokesperson for the Home Secretary.


The spokesperson also claimed the mountain of suitcases on which the man, woman and child were standing had probably been stolen at some point on their journey and so the family were being deported as a precaution.


Despite coming from Stroud in Gloucestershire - having never even set foot in the Caribbean - the monument now faces an uncertain future when it touches down 4500 miles from its UK home.


‘OK…so we can’t be absolutely sure the suitcases were stolen….but I would bet that at the very least they have been tampered with and things are probably missing.


That’s good enough reason for me to deport anyone’ said Ms. Patel



First published 24 Jun 2022


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