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Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree




It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments.


As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Government isn’t as tight-fisted as Yvette Cooper has been claiming.



“Let nobody call this government heartless” Priti Patel is alleged to have said, according to sources who watched her calmly observing some captive mice vainly trying to flee her extended claws. “Not only will successful applicants be able to reside here until most of the bombing has stopped, but the Darwinian nature of the process will yield a race of superior administrators. And also some dead people, obvs”.



In other news, Churchill’s grave continues to emit a mysterious whirring sound




First published 12 Mar 2022


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First immigrants sent to Rwanda 'disappointed' flights are by Ryanair



Following weeks of desperate escape from war torn regions, and a terrifying encounter with Priti Patel after an 'interesting' journey across the English Channel, the first illegal immigrants, or refugees as they are sometimes referred as, have expressed 'deep regret' that they may now scheduled to fly to Rwanda by Ryanair.


'I can take the delays and the lousy airport food, but the 'upgrade' from a free seat to one with padding, arms, back and seat; the 'optional extra' for use of the indoor toilet in-flight for a surcharge, the charge for mediocre sandwiches at exorbitant prices and the mind boggling surcharges for one carry-on, two carry-ons or carry-ons with hold baggage that fail to address my handkerchief-tied-to-a stick luggage requirement,' said one of the first customers today. A spokesperson claiming to be from Ryanair said their pricing was fair and transparent, but insisted the length of the stick must not exceed 60cm, else a £20 - £40 surcharge will be payable, depending on the time of day.


Other travellers on the inaugural Rwanda flights are more pragmatic. 'It's a sh!t destination,' agreed one of them, 'but according to a spokesperson the nearest provincial airport to Kigali International Airport in Rwanda is Beauvais Tillé Airport in France, so I'll just hitch-hike back to Calais and jump on a li-lo,' he said.


image from pixabay


First published 9 June 2022



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