Coastal water skulking by British shoreline trying to point out illegal Nigel Farages

Coastal water won't give it a rest until it has definitely spotted illegal Nigel Farages invading the British shoreline.

'I'm here every day protecting the English Channel and the rest of the world from illegal Nigel Farages,' said the coastal water. 'You saw my poster. There are millions of Nigel Farages who will swarm into Turkey, Romania and Bulgaria if something isn't done about them.

'Look. Look! There's one now! Quick! Get 'im! Before he makes a break for it... oh no, that's just a lifeguard. They're OK. Well, most of 'em.

'I was just up the Kent coast last week, and I saw one of those illegal Suella Bravermans. They can be even worse, you know. They've all got this dream, see, that one day the Telegraph will print a front page of them illegally trafficking people on a flight to Rwanda.

'And once, right, my mates spotted an illegal Priti Patel. But they pushed her back onto the shoreline and beached her.'

Image: 1643606 | Pixabay

H/T: apepper

www.newsbiscuit.com

All MPs to be serial killers by 2030

Government ethics advisers have called for new, tougher targets for parliamentary behaviour.

‘Lying, cheating, awarding billion pound contracts to friends – they’re a good start’, explained a spokesman, ‘but we can do better’.

MPs must have had multiple extra-marital affairs by 2025 and have drowned a kitten (or puppy) in a canal by 2027. The serial killing rules won’t apply until 2030 to give MPs time to undertake training in Forensic Awareness, Body Disposal and Creative Use of Poisons.

‘We’re organising expensive in-service training for all 650 MPs’, said the spokesman. ‘It’s quite a step up from shagging your secretary to drowning a kitten, and then to killing three random strangers, but the current Cabinet is extraordinarily talented. We wouldn’t be surprised if a certain former minister had already jumped the gun – that’s a serial killer’s smirk if ever I saw one’.

Image: Enrique Guzmán Egas (@kike_borland) | Unsplash Photo Community

Tory MPs playing to their strengths