Hardpessed vegetable grower takes a cut in celery

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Chain pubs to replace happy hour with gouging time

Works night out piss-up facilitators, the Glug and Cabbage pub chain, has announced that it will charge extra for drinks at happy hour and also for additional baggage beyond one carry-on item. Emotional baggage will remain free and is indeed encouraged as it contributes to both sales and fights.

Drinks will be available to pre-book up to 3 months in advance, with double vodka and lambrini in the week before Xmas now available for 99p - increasing to £30 on the night. These moves are part of the chain's expansion into new venues in abandoned agricultural buildings that are 'within 30 minutes by taxi, with luck' of the local high street.

'Why can't things just have one price any more?' lamented token person in the street Les Ismor. 'It's enough to drive you to drink.'

Image: SyntheticD Photos | FreeImages

Cost of lettuces that outlast Prime Ministers now 20% higher than inflation

In a move hoped to prevent newspapers using their produce for ridiculing ridiculous Prime Ministers, the Lettuce Growers Association has urged its members to increase the cost of lettuces by an above inflation amount. A spokespicker for the association said that although they thought the fact their lettuces last longer than Tory Prime Ministers was a fair comparison, it had damaged lettuce sales.

'We are proud of our quality produce and want everyone, especially children to enjoy a healthy diet, but the newspaper campaign was putting kids off lettuces. Parents were writing to use saying their kids were having nightmares on days they tried to make them eat lettuce because of the association with Liz Truss' the spokespicker told us. 'The only way we could prevent a recurrence, was to increase the price, so newspaper hacks would think twice before trying the stunt again.'

'BLTs be damned!'

Elsie Watts, who works in a newspaper accounts department, countered that the stunt was unlikely to be repeated. Watts rejected such a similar expense claim on the grounds that she didn’t think anyone would pay a thousand quid for a lettuce. 'It might work for MPs expenses' she said, 'but I can’t risk it here. It's more than my job's worth, particularly if we hacked the lettuce's answer phone.'

Image: Mae Mu (@picoftasty) | Unsplash Photo Community