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Your alternative guide to staying warm - and maybe even alive - this winter


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If you’re not the boss of Shell or BP, chances are you don’t have a spare million quid to cover the cost of warming your home this winter. As putting the heating on is not an option, you need to think outside the box, especially if you don’t want to end up living in one. But the good news is, if you follow this handy guide to staying toasty on a budget, one thing’s for sure - you won’t have to worry about your energy bills ever again!



Make a Tauntaun sleeping bag


Take a leaf out of Han Solo’s book and make a snug sleeping bag from a creature that is built for withstanding extreme cold. Being 100 percent organic, Tauntaun sleeping bags are also very environmentally friendly (except for the Tauntaun community) and the only tools you need to make one are a lightsabre and a peg for your nose to block out the smell. If having one delivered from Hoth becomes too much of a logistical challenge because of all the postal strikes, a hefty llama from your local petting zoo would be a viable alternative.


Befriend an arsonist


Hanging out with a new pyromaniac pal is ideal for staying warm on the go as well as an opportunity to expand your social circle. Just make sure you don’t wear too much hairspray when you’re with them and under no circumstances should you invite them back to yours for a Bonfire Night barbecue.


Get a pet dragon


Guaranteed to add a comforting blast of heat to every room, a pet dragon can warm your home for a fraction of the cost of turning on a combi boiler. Dragons are also very cheap to feed – simply let it tuck into the tabasco sauce and an old jar of jalapenos from the back of your cupboard and give your scaly companion’s breath an extra fiery kick in the process. Please do consider how attached you are to things like your pine furniture, your curtains and your eyebrows when deciding whether a dragon is the right pet for you though.


Treat yourself to a fondue foot spa


De-stress and de-flesh after a hard day by plunging your feet into a bubbling cauldron of molten cheese. Please note though - this tasty homemade spa treatment will do such a good job of exfoliating your feet that you may not have any skin left on them at all if you leave them in too long. To save time in case this occurs, it is best to draw a circle on one of your arse cheeks beforehand, so the doctors know which bit to use for the skin graft surgery.


Renege on a deal with the Devil


Hell is well known for its hot climate, and if you want to spend a cosy, cost-cutting winter enjoying its glowing embers, simply make a deal with the Devil and then wriggle out of it. It is highly likely the sneaky sod will be planning to claim your immortal soul whether you do his bidding or not, so if you throw in a bit of wailing, pleading and hysterical sobbing, he might not even notice that you broke your pact on purpose. If you play your cards right, you’ll be dragged into the fiery pit of Hell and be basking in all that lovely fire and brimstone before you can say Doctor Faustus.




First published 10 Nov 2022


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Crew of the Titanic right not to issue life saving equipment to drowning passengers


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“We don’t want to give them hopes of surviving the icy cold conditions,'' said a spokesperson for The White Star Line. They went on to defended the wait for policy announcements, saying, "it was right that whoever got the top job, after the Captain locked himself in the wheelhouse, would want to look at all of the options, properly costed" when they take charge.


"They will do more - you don't have long to wait," Tom the Cabin Boy told BBC Radio Four's Today programme, while slipping into a low cut evening gown and announcing, "Women and children first!” through a loud hailer. "It is clear that this will be absolutely at the top of their in tray," he went on, as he snatched a cork Life Preserver from a passing child.


The Ship's Pursers added“The company has already said that any passengers who drown will get a full refund on their tickets. Providing they present them to the New York Office, in person, with proof of death. Third Class and Steerage passengers will also receive a free pencil.


"Second Class Passengers are also likely to need with keeping afloat, but they should try using thicker pyjamas to form makeshift lifebelts as they learned in school”, the Purser also explained. "All the lifeboats are taken up by First Class Passengers and company representatives, who will also benefit from any life saving equipment available". He said the company was exploring "all the options" to help those people.


Both Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak, one of whom will be announced as the next Captain on 5 September, have pledged further support, though neither has given details. Until that time they have busied themselves rearranging the deck chairs


Speaking via the Telegraph, the Radio Operator said “Dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot!!!|”


Photo by NOAA on Unsplash


First published 29 Aug 2022



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Cost of cremation deterring people from dying


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The increase in energy cost affects every industry, including crematoriums. There is a crisis caused by the cost of dying running parallel to the cost of living crisis, with people now finding death is a luxury they can no longer afford. Tory party members are calling on the prospective leadership candidates to tackle this as a matter of urgency, as the longer state pension is being paid to individuals who are no longer productive, the less opportunity the government has to cut taxes.


A right-wing think tank has suggested that crematoriums in Labour voting areas should be abolished and corpses of anyone with an estate valued at less than £1m be turned into Findus lasagnes.


First published 16 Aug 2022



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