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More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless


The economic outlook is bleaker than ever, there’s no fresh food available in the shops, and even if there were you couldn’t afford to buy any. Save a few pounds with these handy hints:

1. Next time your cat brings home a dead rodent, don’t get annoyed - think of it as free meat. It probably tastes like chicken, so chuck it in a casserole. It’s about time puss started to earn his keep - cat food is expensive. You might con the kids into eating unbranded cereal by decanting it into an old Kellogg’s box, but you’ll never persuade Tiddles to eat cheap food. If you buy Lidl Kitty Feast you’ll only end up feeding it to the family disguised as fish pie - again.

2. Sneak into your neighbour’s garden, and run a hosepipe from his outdoor tap into your bathroom. It won’t be much fun having a cold bath, but at least it’s free.

3. Don’t use the vacuum cleaner – inhale deeply, and suck the fluff off the carpet yourself. This will save electricity, and you’ll be so full of dust and pet hairs that you’ll be able to skip lunch.

4. If all your bills are online, switch back to receiving paper bills through the post. You can’t afford to pay them, but you can burn the bills and the envelopes to keep warm, or eat them to stave off hunger.

5. You can no longer afford to take the kids to the hairdresser, so cut their hair yourself using a pudding bowl and the kitchen scissors. They’ll probably end up looking a bit ‘special needsy’, but that might lead to them qualifying for free school meals, so it will be worth them getting bullied a bit.

6. Don’t throw the kids’ hair clippings away - make a couple of draught excluders by cutting the legs off a pair of old tights and stuffing them with the kids’ hair and clumps of your own, which thanks to malnutrition is falling out in handfuls. Wear the rest of the trousers as a hat, to keep your balding head warm.

7. If the kids can’t get free school meals, fill an empty toothpaste tube with glue, and tell them to brush their teeth. Once they’ve glued their mouths shut they won’t be able to eat, so you’ll save loads on your grocery shop. When they start to faint with hunger, feed them soup through a nasal tube.


Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered, or criminal charges brought against any readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.




First published 28 Feb 2023


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Your alternative guide to staying warm - and maybe even alive - this winter




If you’re not the boss of Shell or BP, chances are you don’t have a spare million quid to cover the cost of warming your home this winter. As putting the heating on is not an option, you need to think outside the box, especially if you don’t want to end up living in one. But the good news is, if you follow this handy guide to staying toasty on a budget, one thing’s for sure - you won’t have to worry about your energy bills ever again!



Make a Tauntaun sleeping bag


Take a leaf out of Han Solo’s book and make a snug sleeping bag from a creature that is built for withstanding extreme cold. Being 100 percent organic, Tauntaun sleeping bags are also very environmentally friendly (except for the Tauntaun community) and the only tools you need to make one are a lightsabre and a peg for your nose to block out the smell. If having one delivered from Hoth becomes too much of a logistical challenge because of all the postal strikes, a hefty llama from your local petting zoo would be a viable alternative.


Befriend an arsonist


Hanging out with a new pyromaniac pal is ideal for staying warm on the go as well as an opportunity to expand your social circle. Just make sure you don’t wear too much hairspray when you’re with them and under no circumstances should you invite them back to yours for a Bonfire Night barbecue.


Get a pet dragon


Guaranteed to add a comforting blast of heat to every room, a pet dragon can warm your home for a fraction of the cost of turning on a combi boiler. Dragons are also very cheap to feed – simply let it tuck into the tabasco sauce and an old jar of jalapenos from the back of your cupboard and give your scaly companion’s breath an extra fiery kick in the process. Please do consider how attached you are to things like your pine furniture, your curtains and your eyebrows when deciding whether a dragon is the right pet for you though.


Treat yourself to a fondue foot spa


De-stress and de-flesh after a hard day by plunging your feet into a bubbling cauldron of molten cheese. Please note though - this tasty homemade spa treatment will do such a good job of exfoliating your feet that you may not have any skin left on them at all if you leave them in too long. To save time in case this occurs, it is best to draw a circle on one of your arse cheeks beforehand, so the doctors know which bit to use for the skin graft surgery.


Renege on a deal with the Devil


Hell is well known for its hot climate, and if you want to spend a cosy, cost-cutting winter enjoying its glowing embers, simply make a deal with the Devil and then wriggle out of it. It is highly likely the sneaky sod will be planning to claim your immortal soul whether you do his bidding or not, so if you throw in a bit of wailing, pleading and hysterical sobbing, he might not even notice that you broke your pact on purpose. If you play your cards right, you’ll be dragged into the fiery pit of Hell and be basking in all that lovely fire and brimstone before you can say Doctor Faustus.




First published 10 Nov 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















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