'Energy price cap' is this season’s must have

As invisible as the rest of the Emperor’s new clothes, the 'energy price cap' is set to enter the dictionary alongside other more established phrases that mean useless. Like ‘levelling up’ or ‘Liz Truss’.

A Conservative spokesman made it rain in the club before shouting ‘Listen to me, peasants! Wear your energy price caps at a jaunty angle and let the good times roll, baby! Or alternatively, pair your energy price cap with some concrete boots and get drowned by debt! This Conservative Government will generously permit peasants to have jam tomorrow, as well as some lovely chocolate teapots. Sadly, as peasants, you won't be able to afford to boil the kettle to make any tea. He can’t alter Tory policy, but we blame Keir Starmer, so does the Daily Mail and so should you peasants.’

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Sun to turn off to save energy

Under government guidance, the Sun will preserve energy by not appearing during the winter months. 'The second biggest cause of lost energy is the 384.6 septillion watts spent by the Sun every second. The biggest cause was when you left the 'big light' on over night.

'Under our proposal the Sun would only be used during daylight hours - and in Scotland with a dimmer switch. We advise most households to switch to using the Moon, which has a much lower tariff. Or the even cheaper Halley's Comet, which only bills you once every 80 years'.

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Crew of the Titanic right not to issue life saving equipment to drowning passengers

“We don’t want to give them hopes of surviving the icy cold conditions,'' said a spokesperson for The White Star Line. They went on to defended the wait for policy announcements, saying, "it was right that whoever got the top job, after the Captain locked himself in the wheelhouse, would want to look at all of the options, properly costed" when they take charge.

"They will do more - you don't have long to wait," Tom the Cabin Boy told BBC Radio Four's Today programme, while slipping into a low cut evening gown and announcing, "Women and children first!” through a loud hailer. "It is clear that this will be absolutely at the top of their in tray," he went on, as he snatched a cork Life Preserver from a passing child.

The Ship's Pursers added“The company has already said that any passengers who drown will get a full refund on their tickets. Providing they present them to the New York Office, in person, with proof of death. Third Class and Steerage passengers will also receive a free pencil.

"Second Class Passengers are also likely to need with keeping afloat, but they should try using thicker pyjamas to form makeshift lifebelts as they learned in school”, the Purser also explained. "All the lifeboats are taken up by First Class Passengers and company representatives, who will also benefit from any life saving equipment available". He said the company was exploring "all the options" to help those people.

Both Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak, one of whom will be announced as the next Captain on 5 September, have pledged further support, though neither has given details. Until that time they have busied themselves rearranging the deck chairs

Speaking via the Telegraph, the Radio Operator said “Dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot!!!|”

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