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Crew of the Titanic right not to issue life saving equipment to drowning passengers




“We don’t want to give them hopes of surviving the icy cold conditions,'' said a spokesperson for The White Star Line. They went on to defended the wait for policy announcements, saying, "it was right that whoever got the top job, after the Captain locked himself in the wheelhouse, would want to look at all of the options, properly costed" when they take charge.


"They will do more - you don't have long to wait," Tom the Cabin Boy told BBC Radio Four's Today programme, while slipping into a low cut evening gown and announcing, "Women and children first!” through a loud hailer. "It is clear that this will be absolutely at the top of their in tray," he went on, as he snatched a cork Life Preserver from a passing child.


The Ship's Pursers added“The company has already said that any passengers who drown will get a full refund on their tickets. Providing they present them to the New York Office, in person, with proof of death. Third Class and Steerage passengers will also receive a free pencil.


"Second Class Passengers are also likely to need with keeping afloat, but they should try using thicker pyjamas to form makeshift lifebelts as they learned in school”, the Purser also explained. "All the lifeboats are taken up by First Class Passengers and company representatives, who will also benefit from any life saving equipment available". He said the company was exploring "all the options" to help those people.


Both Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak, one of whom will be announced as the next Captain on 5 September, have pledged further support, though neither has given details. Until that time they have busied themselves rearranging the deck chairs


Speaking via the Telegraph, the Radio Operator said “Dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot!!!|”


Photo by NOAA on Unsplash


First published 29 Aug 2022



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Cost of cremation deterring people from dying




The increase in energy cost affects every industry, including crematoriums. There is a crisis caused by the cost of dying running parallel to the cost of living crisis, with people now finding death is a luxury they can no longer afford. Tory party members are calling on the prospective leadership candidates to tackle this as a matter of urgency, as the longer state pension is being paid to individuals who are no longer productive, the less opportunity the government has to cut taxes.


A right-wing think tank has suggested that crematoriums in Labour voting areas should be abolished and corpses of anyone with an estate valued at less than £1m be turned into Findus lasagnes.


First published 16 Aug 2022



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Lee Anderson's guide to solving the cost of living crisis



Conservative MP, Lee Anderson has offered some helpful advice for people who through, fault entirely of their own, find themselves a little short of the old readies:


1) Ask Pop for an advance. That's what I usually do, touch the old feller for a few K to tide me over. Of course, at some point that will stop working.


2) Tip waiters less. If you think about it, tips are simply money down the drain. In normal times, of course, I'd tip 2% like anyone else, make that 1% and it will add up.


3) Get cook to give you some lessons. If you learnt to cook, then you'll find you can halve the cost of buying Kobe beef and Maine lobster at a restaurant.


4) Claim food and drink as 'business expense' - if you're working, why should you pay for the snacks? I've recommended to the prime-minister that he claims all the booze he consumed at Downing Street parties as a legitimate business expense; I'm sure the public would support him.


5) Live in a warmer climate during the winter. I save a fortune in fuel bills by living in our 'cottage' in the Riviera, not everyone may have spotted that opportunity.


6) Sell your farm produce to yourself and claim it back against tax. This is a real wheeze; we all own a farm, big or small, but if you sell, say, 1lb of sprouts for £500,000 to yourself then claim that as a taxable expense, you'll end up with the government paying you to eat sprouts - which seems fair enough.


7) Keep your eyes open for alternatives to Fortnums. Obviously, you can't get everything from your farm and when you do go shopping, tell the chauffeur to keep an eye out for establishments called things like 'Lidl' or, even, 'Aldi'. You can send someone in and surprise yourself at how much you save.


8) Sell one of your houses to a Cayman Island shell company and lease it back to yourself. I know, I know, surely everyone's done this? But there's always someone! Check with your accountant next visiting time.


9) Attend board meetings around lunchtime. We all have to attend tiresome meetings - apparently that was in the small print of the £100k consultancy 'work' I've signed up for. However, insist that the monthly meeting starts around 11:30 - then an hour later, someone will say; 'Is it time for lunch?' and you can quickly say - 'Thanks; I don't mind if I do.' Yum!


10) Divorce a rich person. It might seem obvious that the best way to solve your money worries is to marry a rich person. Well, don't be so sure. Even better, is to marry a rich person, spend like crazy, then divorce them - you'll make a fortune in the settlement.


First published 13 May 2022



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