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The PM is facing mounting resentment after forcing citizens into co-habitation with Covid.


It comes weeks after a dramatic government U-Turn. All previous policy mandated staying well away from the disease and to follow dramatic and usually illogical rules to keep it out of the home. However, new policy requires anyone not medically exempt to ‘start living with Covid.’


‘We follow government advice to the letter, but welcoming Covid into the very heart of our family is just too much', said Stephen Jarvis, Seaham U13s Chess Champion, 1984. 'It's a destructive houseguest, and it just sort of hovers around the house, lingering annoyingly in the air'.


Miriam Caltrop of Henor was equally disappointed. ‘At first we were excited. We thought that inviting Covid into our homes was a small price to pay for everything getting back to normal,’


‘But then things turned sour, (especially food and smells). Covid became clingy and wouldn’t let us leave the house. They didn’t help with the chores or pay bills, which became problematic as we couldn’t go to work.


'And this is against a background fear that they may suddenly turn on you and maliciously murder you in your sleep. By the end, we were left feeling exhausted and drained and wishing they would just go.’


Homeowner associations are arguing that spare rooms could be better used to welcome foster children or refugees. However, the government reiterated that Covid was now the public’s responsibility and until they could rehome it humanely, there simply wasn’t room for other more deserving guests.




Explaining the new ruling, a health spokesperson said: 'I know we said you needed them and technically syphilis is still a thing, but we need to protect your freedom to experience unwanted pregnancy. Besides, men look like an idiot with one on. How is your penis expected to breathe?. And the PM has been leading on this for years'.


Updated: Jan 6, 2022




Historic England, the government agency responsible for maintaining lists of Harry and Meghan’s residencies, have awarded a gazebo at Bolton’s Covid-19 test centre Grade 1 listed status.

Grade 1 listed buildings are of exceptional national interest, and it was deemed the Bolton test gazebo should qualify. It satisfied the criteria by its huge number of visitors, its significance historically, and through calamitous mismanagement; now being the only functional test centre remaining in England.

Joanne Nolan, a spokesperson for the agency, explained: “This is the first time a temporary structure has been given protected status. I cannot understate the historical importance of the Bolton gazebo. It has become a key battleground in the futurely-historic war against Covid-19. David Starkey is filming there, right now, with a film crew.”

An overview on the Historic England website indicates the gazebo’s prestige: ‘Attendants bloom in hi-viz yellow. Socially distant punctuations upon a desolate concrete landscape evoke a reflective dystopian twist of Wordsworth’s daffodils. No toilets on site.’

Councillor Derek Tattersall, summed-up the implications for the town: “We’ve got big plans to jazz-up the place. It’ll our lockdown Lourdes.”




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