Public urged to count butterflies to distract from the Covid numbers

Naturalist Chris Packham has asked TV viewers to look the other way, put their fingers in their ears, while the UK records 50,000 new coronavirus cases, in one day. Rather than focus on doom and gloom, he has asked us to frolic through fields, towards the sunlit uplands of the Blue Remembered Hills, of Yesteryore.

A spokeswoman for the Big Butterfly Count said: ‘Concentrate on all the pretty colours. A delicate butterfly. That’s it. Lovely. Go to your happy place. Oh, look a rainbow! Whiskers on kittens. Marmalade on toast. Breath in. Breath out’.

The group were quick to emphasis that we should not be counting moths, as ‘no one likes them’. Instead, if we just keep counting the sheep, I mean butterflies, we will soon drift off into a peaceful sleep, as opposed to Covid’s eternal rest.

‘Just enjoy the butterflies and ignore the Covid. The beautiful butterflies…which, incidentally, are all dying out due to climate change’.

Pingageddon as NHS covid app forces entire UK population to self-isolate

he UK has informed the world that it's now closed, and Downing Street has hung up a handwritten 'Closed - Back in Five Weeks' sign in the shop window. Everything is shut, including the nations favourite workplaces such as hospitals, Sports Direct warehouses and nail bars as workers stay at home.

The government's self-destructive libertarian tendencies in opening everything up to keep its backbenchers happy means it has completely cocked it all up again, and it's not business as usual.

A government spokesperson was quick to defend its policies.

'Anyone can say we haven't learned our lessons, that we were originally slow to lockdown and now we've been too hasty in coming out of lockdown. Now they are moaning about the NHS app. However, we need to remember that the app is an important tool in our fight against Covid and not a complete tool like the health secretary'.

'Our trusted and valued colleagues in the private sector companies we all have shares in have closely scrutinized the blame list. It would appear that the Italian fans we allowed to come to the UK to watch a grossly unfair game of football have been up to no good in the virus spreading department'.

'Please rest assured that this government will take imminent action should it need to take imminent action imminently. For example, if all the food runs out apart from a carton of pot noodle in Burnley, we do have a vital 'Eat Anything to Stay Alive' contract with our friends in North Korea'.

Man on bus really looking forward to coughing all over you again come July 19th

A man on the bus is reportedly ‘very excited’ to cough in your face on the commute to work again, starting from July 19th.

The man, who will insist on sitting right next to you despite the presence of two empty seats across the aisle, has no plans to wear a face covering and will splutter in your direction throughout the journey to your workplace.

He told journalists he cannot contain his emotions, or his phlegm, after Boris gave the go-ahead to dropping public health recommendations yesterday. The man’s freedom, along with his hacking cough and profusely runny nose, shall no longer be shackled by central government diktats, he confirmed.

“Finally, the chance I’ve been waiting for,” enthused the man, sneezing profusely. “I’ve been spreading germs all over my fellow passengers for years, and am so glad to get back to what I do best.”

Other disgusting people are also rubbing their hands, amongst other things, at the prospect of so-called ‘Freedom Day’.

A pervy man on the tube is planning to invade your personal space again as soon as social distancing measures are eased, he announced.

“I have my shiny trousers all ready to go and my phone prepped to record.”

“The ‘stay at home’ orders of the last year have been tough for me because there have been far fewer women to ogle on the train. So, as soon as July 19th ticks around, I’ll be there leering on the Central Line, hand suspiciously in pocket.”

At the time this went to press, you were begging your boss to let you keep working from home.