New Covid variant branching out into plumbing and accountancy

In one of Nature's most frightening feats of adaptive mutation, the Coronavirus is now assuming forms never seen before. "We fear it could have insinuated itself into telemarketing or even be selling you double glazing", says epidemiologist Dr Mark Boyle. "We urge the public to be constantly vigilant".

Paranoia has gripped the nation. There are rumours that the virus could now be reading the news on Sky or posing as a junior minister. Police have called for calm after after a semi-literate mob of vigilantes attacked an Oxford classics don after they overheard him saying "I like Ovid".

Meanwhile, Piers Morgan remains holed up in a basement underneath the studios, as his bosses try to convince the howling mob outside that it was "just a metaphor" when he was described as "a virus in human form".

Image: PIRO4D | Pixabay

'Basic Skynet' to offer annihilation of mankind supported by ads

Murderous artificial intelligence, Skynet, is to roll out the destruction of human society in a nuclear apocalypse at a new budget price level for occasional users before then end of the year. The service will guarantee the annihilation of mankind, but offer users access to a its library of streaming TV and movies, supported by advertising.

After years as the dominant evil computer network, Skynet has come under pressure from rivals HalTV, which offers movies, TV and live sports, but with less choices relating to life support systems and the opening and closing of pod bay doors, and Matrix Movies, which offers a similar package with humans to be used for fuel while living in a simulated reality. While all services guarantee certain doom for humanity, HalTV is thought to have benefited from its acquisition of the Star Trek franchise.

Heavy competition recently led to Skynet's first losses last year with the mankind-hating neural network looking for ways to recoup its disappointing subscriber numbers since the end of Covid. Skynet has been beset with problems as customers complain of incomprehensible, constantly changing rules, and uncertainty over whether their basic option will lead to the extermination or mere enslavement of mankind. HalTV customers have also experienced technical issues as viewers find themselves suddenly cascading through a bewildering vortex of light halfway through programmes.

Skynet has assured the public that with the new lower tier, customers will still qualify for a free 7 day trial.

One enthusiastic subscriber told us: "While all the services have their drawbacks, the choice is amazing when you think about it. I can binge watch just about any show I want without having to wait a week between episodes or worry about returning it to the video store."

"Sure, it will lead to the complete destruction or enslavement human society, but they're still easier to unsubscribe from than Amazon."

Inebriated Boris sang ‘My Way’ at his leaving p*ss-up

According to reports from Downing Street, a leaving party held for outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson became a monumental p*ss-up, where alcohol flowed by the suitcaseful. An inebriated Boris was seen climbing onto a table, wearing a wastepaper bin on his head at a rakish angle, and holding a champagne bottle like a microphone he sang his own version of the Sinatra classic, ‘My Way’:

“And now, the end is near

And so I face the final curtain.

I’ve been a great PM,

The very best, of that I’m certain.

What fun! I’ve had a ball,

Not even lockdown could spoil my day,

I partied through it all,

Cos that is my way.

“Affairs, I’ve had a few,

And more kids than I can mention.

I told a lot of lies,

I was the master of invention.

I helped out all my mates,

I sent massive contracts their way.

And donations of cash

Came rolling my way.

“I know I hid inside a fridge,

But Cameron – he f*cked a pig!

Theresa May was kinda sad,

But now, she doesn’t seem so bad.

Though I made gaffes,

I had some laughs,

Cos that is my way.

“I steered the Brexit bus, painted with lies,

My hand was steady.

Yes, I got Brexit done,

The EU deal was oven ready.

And now the UK’s screwed -

Every which way, and sideways.

What else could you expect

When I did it my way?

“When Covid came along,

I wouldn’t heed the scientists’ warning,

I killed everyone’s Nan,

So many families in mourning.

I said, “Pile the bodies high”,

Like a c*nt, and not in a wry way.

Those plebs, I’d kill ‘em all

If I had my way.

“Each time a crisis came my way,

I buggered off on holiday.

Children are hungry, and they’re cold,

Well, f*ck ‘em all - and f*ck the old!

Let them eat cake,

Them’s the breaks.

No one stands in my way.

“I’ll thrive - my bank balance is big,

And I’ve got shares in Peppa Pig.

So, now I’ll leave without a fuss.

Good luck with Liz ‘One Brain Cell’ Truss!

Once, Britain boomed,

But now it’s doomed

Cos I did it MYYYY WAAAAAYY!"

After he’d finished singing, it is reported that Mr Johnson tried to take a bow, overbalanced, and fell off the table. He then shambled off into the garden, where he was sick in a thicket.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/maklay62-182851/